Perfect Entice
by Ukaisha
Summary: We know that it is wrong. We know that brothers should not be in love. We know that it's sick of us to love, and it's disturbing for us to want each other like we do. But we can't deny it. It's written into our very souls. We must love. Or we die. 'KouKou
1. Chains

Disclaimer: The author takes absolutely no stake or claim on any characters mentioned.  
Warnings:...Yeah. -Points to rating- "M" means something. And it doesn't mean Little Bunny Foo-Foo.  
A/N **Updated: **Ugh. Looked back on this fanfic and cringed. Could not bring myself to update it until I revamped it. I've been hurting for some KouKou lately, and after I throw together one or two of my other fanfics, I'll be putting a lot of effort into this one. I also do not want this one to just be one of the fanfics that never was, and I apologize to anyone who cared for it that it's taken so long. I just HAD to go back and correct all the hideous grammar and spelling errors. If I missed any, it's because I'm dying of exhaustion from reading this over a gazillion times. I'm a perfectionist.  
I'm sorry, I also changed the title of the story. The old one struck me as corny.  
I'm not sure where this one came from.  
It sounded good at the time.  
Like Red Tone.  
You should totally go read Red Tone. Come to think of it, go read "Peacemaker" too. And "Not a Stranger." Check out Simple Words!  
Like really.  
My writing style has also changed, but I'm going to try to stick with the same mood as the fanfic as already set, because one or two of you have expressed interest in the way the twins talk, and I don't want to screw anything up.  
Thank you for anyone who's still out there waiting for this to be updated. 3 I apologize again if by revamping the fanfic, it screwed up anyone's perception of the story. But this is just how I'm happiest.

Perfect Entice  
_Chained_

_(Kouichi)_  
My brother is undeniably sexy.  
I'm not very sure where that thought first came into my mind, or why it stuck there. Indeed, why I was having such thoughts in the first place was a mystery. But, it was the simple truth, and who am I to turn a blind eye to such a simple fact? From the moment I first thought it, and from every moment on, that opinion has never changed. My brother was undeniably, unquestionably sexy. And he was. But, why did I care? I didn't really, truly understand why I thought these things of my brother. I just did. That was fact. I liked facts. Facts were simple, easy, and right there in your face: Undeniable. Like Kouji.  
How intriguing.  
It wasn't as easy accepting the truth as it became more apparent. When I first met him, first saw him, first even heard of him or became aware he existed, I hated him. I despised him and I wished as hard as possible for him to suffer. I wanted him to feel the pain that I had felt, and that my mother and my grandmother had felt because of his pig-headed father that I refused to acknowledge as my own. Of course, that changed when I met him. I was suspicious of him, and I said to myself, no, Kouichi, he's not as innocent as he pretends to be. He's just playing his cards cautiously until he gets a royal flush, and then, he'll do something. I wasn't sure what, exactly, I was expecting him to do. I just knew I didn't trust him. No matter how sincere he seemed or how interested he was in my or my mother's well-being, I was sure he was lying. It was all some grand illusion.  
Then it became clear to me that Kouji was incapable of maintaining such an illusion.  
He could not pretend to love or like someone. If he disliked you or found you in poor taste, you knew it, and fast. There was no doubt as to what his opinion of you was. And since he acted as though he liked me, was interested in my opinions and my safety, and was concerned for me, I accepted that it was sincere. As I grew and grew to be more familiar with his attitude, with his habits, and with his own messed up life that was not the perfect free-ride of joy I had imagined it to be, I grew to accept him as a person, and as my brother. He saved my life countless numbers of times at the risk of his own life and swore to protect me; how could you not just start believing him? In some way, somehow, I knew I loved him. Not that kind of "love" mind you, a safer version of love. The type of, "I love you" that you tell your mother every night before you go to bed. I grew up in an emotional atmosphere, and love was plentiful, unlike in the Minamoto residence. So when I figured out that Kouji was as close to "loving" me as he was emotionally capable, I somehow found myself uninterested in revenge or retribution for a crime he did not commit, and in a brotherly, affectionate sort of way, I loved him. Back then I even said it to him; I said one night, as we prepared for bed: "I love you, 'touto." He sort of stiffened up a bit, and walked away.  
And boy; that was just a close-family I-love-you.  
So when that thought first crossed my mind, first dared to tease my consciousness and make known something I may have even juggled in my mind since the second I heard his name, needless to say, I was shocked at myself.

When I first learned I had a brother, a twin, at that, I wanted revenge. When I first learned that my brother was actually a decent person, we grew awkwardly close. When we finally accepted each other and really, truly embraced the fact that we were brothers, we grew even closer. But, it was comfortably close, and it never drifted into this territory, not at all. Honestly, I never wanted to have these thoughts about him. It never, consciously, crossed my mind that because I had a brother, I was going to fall in love with him. Even long after I'd forgiven him and had accepted him as both a person and my brother, I did not once think to myself: "I really love this person." No. It was quite some time after that, after I'd absorbed everything I could learn about this person and very far along into our relationship as brothers, that I made that realization. At first, I tried to push away all thoughts following it. The more I pushed, the harder it came, harder and harder, until it was an onslaught of thoughts I never imagined I would ever feel for someone, let alone my own brother.  
I must understand, I told myself, I'm but a child. And to love my own brother, in a way any more then brotherly affection...well, it was obviously wrong, and it goes without saying what the consequences of that were. It could never be. But, no matter how I push and shove the feelings away, I adore him; in every way, shape, and form, I adore him. My simple and innocent outlook of him disappeared, and it became clear that Kouji, even being the emotional roller coaster he was, was perfect. He's more then perfect. Even his many flaws and his rough personality make him even more perfect. It's so amusing; a year ago I would have wanted to strangle him thinking those thoughts, only to a different tune. "He's so perfect, he's so perfect. His life is so perfect; his family is so perfect; he's just so fucking perfect." But not now. Instead of hate, I'm consumed by love and affection for a person that I cannot have, even though he's everything, everything I've ever wanted. Even as I realize this, I blush warmly. To think this of my brother; how humiliating.  
I especially adored his hair. It's nothing like my hair, even if we are twins; my hair is stringy and too straight, and if it's not way too straight, it's too fluffy. But his, his is soft, luscious, dreamy, something a hair fetishist has obscene dreams about. No one else has hair that perfect; no one. Only he has such gorgeously dark, silky locks. I find myself dreaming of running my fingers through it, burying my face into the rich, black waterfall and breathing his scent. Not any kind of fruit-scent, or any other kind of scent you read about in those lavishly detailed romance novels. Just...him. His scent in its entirety. The scent of my brother, in all its purity, untouched by cologne or hair products that mask the natural, boyish sweetness he emits.  
Kouji...

Another thought, this one cleaner, dug it's way in my mind. Note to self: Loving your brother is bad. 'Is it really?' argues a cheeky part of my mind. To which I respond, duh, yeah it is._ 'But why?'_ Why is it bad? I don't know. I know the word for it, 'incest'. But what am I supposed to do with that knowledge? I cannot just ignore him because he is my brother. I cannot just ignore these feelings of passion I feel for him, just because he is my blood. In fact, those thoughts thrill me even more. It was a sick, twisted feeling I got whenever I looked at him, and in the same moment my brain acknowledged, "Oh, that's Kouji. That's my brother," I was thinking about how bad I wanted him.  
Sometimes I wonder how it happened, and sometimes I wonder how it could've ever been avoidable. We were basically strangers, and somehow, though our brains recognized we were twins, in our heads we were two separate people because we'd grown up believing ourselves to be single children. We were not brothers, and even now, we treat each other in ways that brothers probably don't. If we had seen each other once, just once while we were young and able to form lasting memories, it probably wouldn't have happened. But to our brains, we are strangers, and we are not brothers. And now, blessed with someone who is so loyal, so close, so intimate with you in such a short amount of time, we would inevitably fall in love; any other pair in the world might have done the same thing. Oh, how I see him and somehow see the person that I wish I always could be, and never will be, because I simply can't be as strong as him. It's an honor that fills me with joy everyday to just be with him, to love him, and for him to love me back, however innocently that love is. It is bliss to love him, and for him to lovingly call me, "Nii-san."  
The way I feel when I touch him, hug him...it's beyond describing. I walk on air when I'm with him. I am happy when I'm with him, and I am not happy when we are apart. I couldn't imagine life without him again, but, I'm sure he does not feel the same. I'm his brother. Normal people do not fall in love with their brother. But I did. If that makes me abnormal, so be it, I will accept that. But the way I have to keep my feelings hidden, the way I have to force myself to tone down my emotions just to be acceptable in daily life; it's a constant pain that I ache with. I feel like shouting to the sky and revealing to the whole world both my suffering and my joy. Hey, world, guess what. I'm in love with this person. And for every moment, every second of every hour of the day I am away from him, every ounce of my being aches. I am in love. I'm sure you can find a way to deal. But could I do that? Oh, no, of course not. I'm not that type of person, and that could ever happen. So it's kept hidden inside me, and eats eagerly away at me.  
I begged for us to develop some kind of strong, powerful connection, and we did, but it's not the connection I'm looking for. We are connected as brothers. We love each other in a deeper way than most people could ever understand in the word "love." But for Kouji, it is not romantic. Our connection is at the soul and mind and body, but not the heart. I know he could never love me.  
Ever since that year, that month, and finally, that fateful day that I first said to Kouji, "I am Kimura Kouichi," he has remained his own, perfectly sardonic self. As my mind and dreams filled with love for him and with my desire to be with him, he remained cool and distant. Every time my eyes rested upon him my heart filled with such air I felt as though it would simply explode, right out of my chest, and I could feel my face heating up as the blood rushed to it in embarrassment. He didn't see, didn't know, and didn't even guess or even fathom how I loved him. But that was him. Just cool, cold, and calm. And angry, so very angry. Such beautiful, bittersweet anger that he clutches inside, struggling to keep it in control, fearing that it may slip and overtake his body just as I fear that one day, I will be unable to control the love I keep hidden from him.  
"His rebellion is the bitter, sardonic laughter of all great satirists." Frank Schoenberner said that. I believe he and Kouji must have known one another.

I'm aware that if even the concept of him being my own brother, my flesh and blood, could be over looked, my love seems...unforgivable, at best. Disturbing in the least, and shockingly disgusting in the worst. While I could not comprehend why it was wrong to love my brother, I could comprehend other things, such as my age, maturity, and experience. I'm barely twelve years old, after all, how could someone so young, so inexperienced, and so blessedly ignorant of the world feel so sure in his love when others have spent their entire lives searching? I can't even put this feeling I have into words, and that alone should be enough. Anyone who is in love should be able to say to the person they love, "I love you, and this is why," but I can't do that for Kouji. In time, I began to wonder if I loved him _because_ he was my brother. That thought disgusted me, and it encouraged me to try and forget how strong my feelings were for him. But for one, brief moment in time, for him to completely let himself go in my arms, to just fall into me and embrace me with all the love that I feel right now, it would make me a truly happy person. I would die happy at any given time after hearing Kouji tell me, "I love you, 'Nii-san" and to mean it more than a brotherly gesture.  
I've never seen myself in Kouji. He's my twin, yes, and we are identical twins, true. But I think that we look amazingly different. I look in the mirror and see plain, absent minded Kouichi. My hair is too straight and too stringy. My ears are too square, and frankly, so is the general shape of my head. I have pudgy cheeks and a blunt chin. There is nothing remarkable about me. Then I look at Kouji...the radiance in his very being shocks me with a force that simply cannot be described. Sometimes I think that there is simply no way in hell we were ever identical twins, and if we ever were, Kouji was simply plucked from the cradle immediately after leaving the womb, and was sculpted by an extremely benevolent God who felt like sculpting the likeness of his favourite angel on a human. And then, it's not even just his physical appearance. With the haunting, intelligence gaze he shows as he stares at me, his sharp eyes burning with royal blue fire completely focused on me, you can feel the raging storm of emotions and thought going on behind those eyes. Sometimes I feel that he stares into my very soul, and I shiver. Could I tell him? What would he say? Would he despise me? Kouji is so very critical of people; I wouldn't want to ever be hated by him. Then I remember the piercing feeling in my very existence when he stares at me, observing me. Does he know? It would be so sadistic of him if he knew. To look into my soul and being perfectly aware of my deep desire for him, only for him to just innocently smile, calmly saying "'Nii-san."

Ever since he began to plague my mind, he has become my main point of existence. My world completely rotates around him. He stalks my mind from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep, and even then, he haunts my dreams. I guess normal boys my age think of many things- school, friends, the future, sports, books, movies, girls; but I can't remember the last time I went an hour, even just one, measly hour out of twenty-four in a day, without fantasizing about him. I don't think about normal boy things, the main focus of my mind is, and always is, Kouji. I'm addicted to him. Completely, utterly addicted to him. Even if I could somehow get past the fact that it wasn't normal to obsess with your twin brother, it is definitely not normal to think of nothing else but one, single entity, as beautiful as that entity may be. Sometimes, as I try to fall asleep at night and manage to think of something other than Kouji, I wish I were just a normal kid with normal thoughts about normal subjects. Takuya probably daydreams about soccer and video games or being a hero in some, vague fashion, and Izumi probably thinks of either her next trip to the mall or what she'll be wearing to it. Kouji...What does Kouji think about? Kouji's foggy gaze indicates that he's constantly deep in thought, but what thoughts are so deep that he occasionally forgets where he is? He'll stare distantly off, hearing nothing, seeing nothing; just staring into his mind. His eyes gleam with age beyond his years, and they cloud to an almost sinister leer as those splendid eyes wrestle with demons only he can see. I would shake him out of his reverie, and he would just smile with his innocent smile, and secretively, never letting me into the fortress that is his mind, simply apologize, "I'm sorry, 'Nii-san."  
I wonder what he thinks about. I wonder if he thinks of me half as much as I think of him. Then I blush again.  
I can't stand to see him smile. It makes me want to melt inside. Kouji is just so beautiful when his rusty face weakly lets itself express a rare moment of happiness that I could die in contentment as long as that was the last image in my mind. He smiles so softly, so subtle that you would have to be ridiculously observant to catch it. But, it's there, a grin neither mocking nor wry. He turns to me, and he smiles at me. His gaze locks with mine and traps me there, then his smile disappears, and he drops the eye contact. I feel so vulnerable, so submissive to him. To touch the softly curved lips that smile so innocently at me as my heart pounds; how I long for it.  
For a while, perhaps a few months, my thoughts about him were relatively clean. I was held back by my logic and reason; my desire for him was so pure and innocent, and so childish. Really, how could this be love? And anyway, I was only twelve. The idea of sex made me uncomfortable. My mother had tried to give me an awkward "birds and the bees" talk once before, but, a mother really can't describe to her son in detail what sex is, or why he would want it. It is this, and only this, that my mother cannot teach me. Thus, I picked it up secondhand, from books and romance movies and all-too-eager peers at school. Sex seemed like nothing to pine over, and I'd have been ashamed at myself to have thought any other way, especially of my brother. I was content enough to just love him and to yearn to hug him close to me. It was bad enough to be in love with him, but to want sex with him? Unimaginable.  
But it was imaginable.  
But I was... that age. Things were changing about me; I wasn't a boy anymore. About the same time my voice started changing tone, my mind was changing tone, too. My mind, already aged beyond its years, bloomed with a new outlook on certain subjects, and Kouji was the spotlight of those subjects. In some corner of my mind, I prayed for the feeling to pass. I didn't want to feel such primal feelings towards him. I didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night after dreaming about him and having to tell my mother, burning with embarrassment, that I needed laundry done. Worst of all, most of all, most beautifully of all, I didn't want to feel so bound to him, and feeling so vulnerable to anything he wanted, anything at all. I would commit murder for him, and I would take the fall for him, too. The constant beating desire to be near him, to see his face, and to see him happy; these petty wishes control my existence. When my ache continued for so long, my mind began to experiment with other fantasies. It was inevitable. I was young and I wasn't even a teenager yet, but I was becoming a man. Puberty had come and gone. And apparently when you're a man, and when you think of nothing but one, single thing every minute of every day, it would be impossible to never experiment. Not with the promise of more intense and pleasing fantasies of someone you feel so powerfully for. Then, that night, that fateful night, I thought I would fall apart.

Kouji was staying over. It was late, and we were in our room, evidently sleeping. Kouji was in a futon near me, and he was sleeping soundly. We'd had an innocent enough day, considering my twisted thoughts and needs. I had even managed to forget the gnawing in my heart that ripped at me, knowing he could not be mine, while we amused each other with games and pointlessly witty conversation. But then, laying there in the darkness, I felt so miserable. If he would give me a sign of any sort, just a little sign that everything would be fine, I would tell him. I would clutch him close to me and confess my obsessions to him. I would vow to love him always, and I would never let him go. Even if he hated me, even if he yelled at me, even if he thought I was a sick, disgusting person, I would tell him. Anything to rid the pain in my chest. But, whether he already knew or not, he was as distant as ever. I wanted to kiss him. It was becoming a common desire, and every time I thought of kissing and claiming those lips that taunt me with an innocent smile, I would shiver, and -of course-, blush furiously.  
He slept in silky pajamas, deep royal blue, like his eyes. Ever since he put them on, I've just wanted to tackle into him and cuddle desperately into his warm body. I would hold him close to me, and feel his silky body as I kissed his neck and breathed his sweet, boyish scent. In my mind, he wouldn't object, and he would cling to me as I kissed him, purring and nuzzling my nape. The silk beautifully detailed his porcelain skin and slim, feminine figure. He was curled up in his blanket, facing towards me, his mouth slightly open as he breathed deeply. He was driving me crazy, and he was just lying there, sleeping. But to see him wrapped in soft pajamas that hugged his subtle curves so perfectly, God, I would die to just snuggle my head into his chest. What I want in life, and nothing more, was to kiss his succulent lips and undress him, to hold him in my arms and know he would then and forever be with me; that I would be his, and he would be mine. I wanted nothing more than that. My mind completely fogged over as my fantasies of him intensified. Forbidden thoughts and needs flowed through my mind like a rushing stream. A different side of maturity blossomed in my mind at that moment, and I feel changed it me forever. I quietly moaned in the darkness, hiding my face in my pillow and biting it as the desires coursed through me. The need grew stronger. It had never been this intense before.  
In reality he still lay curled in his futon, sleeping soundly. In my fantasy he moaned, his willowy form arching from pleasure. Our bodies responded so perfectly with each other, and we moved; it was so hot. I could barely breathe. A part of me was terrified he would wake and find me there, and it froze my heart in place at the sudden fear, my face burning with only vaguely felt shame. Another part of me dared him to wake up to me fantasizing about him. That part of me wanted it. It begged for Kouji to wake and realize how bad his brother wanted him, and as impossible as it was, that part of my mind whispered vehemently that Kouji would feel the same. It insisted that Kouji would erupt into sudden desire as intense as my own, despite never showing a single sign of it. It hoped, it begged, it dreamed; it wanted Kouji clinging to me, wanting as badly as I do now. It wanted him to stare into me again with his piercing eyes, breathlessly calling, "'Nii-chan...Nii-chan...Nii-chan!"  
I gasped at the fluid that left me, and lay there, panting and gasping into my pillow. Oh, God. There was nothing in the world that could possibly surpass this great, expanding bubble of ecstasy. An orgasm was an orgasm, but this, this was something far, far greater than something that simple. And this great happiness was all due to him.  
After a few minutes of my laying there, almost dead to the world, I heard a contented sigh. Coldness clutched my chest tightly, and as I peeked at him with one eye, I noticed he was smiling. Why was he smiling? Why would he give so calmly and surely in his sleep what he was so hesitant to give while awake? A few minutes of terrified staring proved he was still lost in the waves of unconsciousness. He looked so at ease, so peaceful. I wanted to slide out of my lonely, empty bed and into his warm, inviting futon. I wanted to cling to him and cuddle with him the rest of the night. I wanted to kiss those pale, teasing lips.

I had to ask myself; is it really wrong to love?

--

_(Kouji)_  
People tell me that I'm a smart-ass.  
Well, I have to agree with them, because I am. But if you don't like it, that's your problem, go screw yourself if you've got an issue with it. I think what I say is funny or kind of amusing. Big surprise: I like funny things. Laughing is good.  
People tell me I'm cynical, and I agree with them, because I am. I'm also a realist. I see the world from point A to point B. This happens on the way to B from A, and I can see that nice, clear line that guides the way. That line isn't usually what you want out of life, but know what? Life happens. Deal. Follow the line. It'll happen regardless.  
But, people tell me I'm cold, and I do not agree with that at all. I'm merely distant, especially when I'm thinking. I think long and deep about a lot of things because I have a lot of thoughts to sift through. A lot. I dare you to take in all I have to think of and try to sort through it in a day.  
Sometimes I'm told that I'm anti-social, but that's just people being too touchy. It's not my fault that I sometimes just don't feel like talking. I'm not a social butterfly, I'm a teenager. Almost, anyway. I deserve some leg room in this department.  
People tell me I'm ruthless, and it almost hurts that people think I can be cruel. I'm clearheaded. I understand that some things are worth sacrificing for other things, even things you care about. I understand that sometimes to save the king; you need to sacrifice a pawn.  
People tell me that I'm self centered, and I care for no one but myself. This statement hurts worst of all, because probably, the person I care least about is myself.

As you can see, at several points in my life, someone has pointed out a fault of mine. My entire life, every person I've ever really known as had to point out a flaw in my character, as if I didn't already know it was there. I've guess I've picked up a bad habit in that regard; now all I see are my flaws, not my strengths. Thank you, everyone in the whole fucking world, for giving me shit self-esteem.  
No, that's not right. Almost everyone.  
Everyone but Kouichi, of course, being the kind and gentle boy that he is. The one person who actually makes me smile; the one person I feel as though I could completely shed myself of all barriers, and he would accept me with open arms.  
It makes me feel awkward, and I don't like that feeling. I like feeling in control, like I hold the cards, and like I am the one who will call the outcome. But it seems that all I'm doing is secluding myself, and I become weaker, not stronger. So it's not like I actually could shed my barriers for him, though if the situation called for it, I could. Maybe.  
I've always had my barriers to keep me safe, and I'd feel pathetic without them. I was useless and weak without them, but with them, I was powerful. In my past, the past of the weak Kouji, I felt singled out, I felt as though I could try, and try, and I could never get it right. I was always wrong, in some way. It was as though my entire existence was me making mistakes and people hating me for making them. Even at school, where I only dealt with a few people, I couldn't even make them happy. And I tried so hard, too. I understood that I might not be happy, and maybe I couldn't be happy. But I was the young, innocent age where I still wanted everyone else to be happy, and I tried. I really, really did. As the young, weak Kouji, I would try to grin and greet people, always chipper and happy. All I would get back is attitude and insult. They would glare at me and treat me like scum.  
"All I said was 'Good Morning,'" I would mutter irritably.  
"Then work on your tone, man, you sound like you want to murder us." I never understood this imaginary 'tone.' I thought I sounded perfectly normal, and they were the ones with snide accents to every word. Of course, when I stopped greeting people to avoid this confrontation, that was worse, because now I was just weird and didn't talk to anyone. I couldn't win, and I couldn't make anyone happy. So I stopped. I stopped caring about whether anyone else was ever happy. As long as I was reasonably content, I didn't give a rat's ass how you felt.

I was strange, and I never really could figure out why. I still don't know. Maybe I just wasn't "one of them." Maybe they thought I was weird because I didn't have a mother. Maybe they thought I was too smart. I never knew what was wrong with me, and maybe they didn't either, but that never stopped them from tormenting me. It was like they'd just been sent a sign from God and He'd told them: See that kid over there? Make him feel like SHIT every day of his life.  
And it would kill me, every time, when I walked by a group of them. It should be illegal for children to congregate. They would be whispering, giggling, gossiping, and then they'd suddenly notice me enter. They would stop, point at me, whisper something to whoever was near them, and they would crack up again. They would laugh at me. Laugh at me because I was weird. And then the really cruel ones, the ones I hate the most, they would hurt me, as if I deserved to hurt for trying to be human. Let's be clear on this, I was a bully-magnet. A bad one. And I was a shrimp; I had no muscle, no mass, no experience, and no friends. No one would back me up when those big, cruel bullies decided I was the target of the day. It's why I got so heated when I heard of Tomoki's bully problem, or about any bully in general. It makes me want to go throw them against a wall and beat some sense into them with their own medicine, the rotten little monsters. They need to get a few fists in their faces. That's what I thought: they needed to feel afraid, like I had. Every day of my young school-life revolved around avoiding getting beat-up because I was so small and fragile. It was a miserable way to live. I hated coming home every day and trying to tell my father with a straight face, without bursting into tears, that I'd been beat up again. He always took care of me and helped me and cleaned my wounds, but I knew there was disappointment in his eyes; he wanted a strong son, not a stupid little weakling like me who couldn't stand up for himself.  
All in all, I just stopped talking to people completely. I closed up, and often, I wouldn't talk to anyone, even teachers. Some understood and allowed me to slide through class without having to talk. Some sent me out and wrote me up for disciplinary problems. It didn't matter. I wouldn't talk. I was totally shut up, and no one could intimidate me into breaking. Still, I was afraid of them. I was afraid of everyone and everything, and eventually, that fear slowly brewed to hate. It was so much easier to hate them then to fear them. I like the feeling of control, and I could never let myself live in fear of people. I would rather live in hate of them. My life style continued as such for longer then it should have. By the time I was eleven, that fateful age, I hated everyone. I felt that my intelligence surpassed them all. My intellect was outstanding, and I wanted everyone to know it. If I didn't have your brutish muscle and your rock-hard fists, I was smarter than you. I was better than you. I could run circles around you with words and traps and lock you in place with your own contradictions. People felt incompetent when talking to me, and they clearly submitted to me, because I was better. For the first time, I was better.  
I read long novels way beyond my age and used words that confused people just for the sheer pleasure of seeing the lost looks on their faces. It wasn't just me, no, it couldn't have been. In fourth grade I used the word 'obvious', and a classmate of mine actually stared at me, scoffed, and asked why I used such big words. I'd learned the word 'obvious' in first grade. Without meaning to, I singled myself out even more. Now I was smart, great. I was a different level than them; I surpassed them. I was _better_. But I'd become even weirder. Now they had a reason to hate me. They hated me for being smart. They hated knowing I had one thing, just one thing better than them. I had a girly body, no muscle, no strengths, no talent, nothing going for me at all, a screwed up family to boot, no friends, and had nothing except my brains. And they hated me for it, because I should have nothing. I deserved to have nothing at all, and the fact that I was better in any regard was intolerable. It infuriated me to an extreme point, and I suddenly had another edge: My hatred. No one wanted to be near me because of my anger towards them. Now I really did feel like I wanted to murder them. And I might have reached that point. I was dangerously, dangerously close to that point, and if nothing had been taken under control, who knows what might have happened.  
There was a plus side. I'd also become aware that no one wanted to be near me because they felt insuperior and dull compared to me, not because they didn't like me. They felt stupid and incompetent, and it emphasized one fact: they knew I was better, and they acknowledged it. I was pleased, even if half of my classmates thought I would pull a knife on them if they so much as breathed too loudly. In some corner of my mind I was so utterly depressed, but I mostly felt glad that they feared me, for a change. I wanted them to fear me. When I walked, they got out of my way, and they scurried like nasty little rodents. I wanted to laugh at them.

All of this sounds disturbing, I'm sure, especially coming from a twelve year old. The last year or so has been a long, pathetic one. Ever since our journey to Death Row and back...sorry, Death Row? I meant 'Digital World'. Hey, they both start with a 'D'.  
I'm not funny. I know that. The curt things I say just amuse me at the time I say them, and then I immediately regret them. It's been a bad habit of mine for a while now. I treasure my journey to that world beyond almost any experience I've had in this one. If not for...well, I mean...  
I'd like to say that no one out there really knows how I feel. I know for a fact that's not true, though. Out of the billions of people in the world, I'm sure there's some guy out there who, a year ago, felt like he would be justified in murder if the situation called for it, who hated himself, who hated everyone around him, and who felt like he was singled out to be the one, pathetic freak who deserved nothing. But it doesn't make you feel any better that someone else feels the same as you, and it doesn't help your situation at all. All it does it make you hate people even more for being so shallow and so intolerant. In other words, my dear, pathetic therapists, "I know how you feel," really doesn't cut it, because you don't, and even if you did, I wouldn't give a shit.  
Calming down now. I'm an angry person. It was just so frustrating...living in that hell. I didn't just live with people I felt were below me or idiotic lifestyles that bored me; I was living in my own mind. And it alone was hell.  
As I may have mentioned, therapy was pointless. Pointless became one of my favorite words. Pointless, Worthless, and Meaningless. That about covered it. I hated everyone, everything, and I was tired of living. I was tired of hating.  
Then, out of the blue, in a world full of monsters that are trying to destroy me, I discover that I apparently have a brother.  
Shock is a good starter word for it.  
Weeks in the Digital World softened my exterior, because in that world where loneliness meant death, I had to learn to trust. I didn't like it at first, but I had to stamp down on my ego, (Damn thing had inflated itself to an unhealthy level, anyway) swallow my pride, and be what I feared for a long time: a friend. For a while I worked on that, and then I started working with it. I trusted my friends. They trusted me. I hadn't had anyone trust me and like me for a long, long time. I gave them every opportunity to shun me, and they didn't. For the longest time I expected them to just suddenly get up and leave me; they'd melded into a neat little group, and then there was Kouji, still tip-toeing along the outskirts, certain that the moment he finally let his guard down, he would get hurt.  
I never did get hurt. Takuya and I got into a few little scuffles; no big deal. It was kind of nice to fight over something so _trivial_, like actual friends do. And then ten minutes later, he'd be my buddy again; the fight forgotten. It took me a long time, but I finally incorporated myself fully into their group, and trusted them. I had friends. It was wonderful. And you know what? I was alright. I wasn't tired of living, (I decided this after almost having my head smacked off by a giant monster or two) and I was becoming content. Not specifically happy, but yes, content. I have my friends to thank for that, many times over again.  
What I didn't really want was a brother thrown in my face.  
That's not really what I meant. I have trouble saying what I honestly mean. Man. I probably sound like the biggest, sadistic jerk-off there is. But it was disturbing. It was new and unknown, and I despised the unknown. Quickly the distaste fell away and I was anxious to actually 'meet' him, talk with him, one on one. I was nervous; who knew what this person, my twin brother, would be like? I'd never met him, never seen him, and the closest we'd ever been had been our days in the womb when we carelessly wrapped around each other. Even considering all the evil he'd been forced to do, he was my brother, and I somehow felt that connection deep in my consciousness to him. It was a connection I'd never felt before with anyone. It was powerful. But he was still a stranger, a beautiful stranger that drew me to him like a butterfly to a flower.  
He was so...smart. I was somewhat surprised. I'd grown used to the idea that I was just smarter then people. But he was so clever, and so cheery. Shy and depressed, but still cheery. His eyes would be dark and haunting, like pools of sadness. He was so pale and fragile, and I felt like he would just break, at any given moment. Then he would surprise me with a firm, wise voice. My voice is loud and sharp because I want to be_ heard._ All he did was speak, in his wise, gentle voice, and you would listen. You would just trust him. He was so...interesting, is the word I guess. And...I had someone to be with. Someone who would always accept me, no matter what. He was my brother. I had someone I could always...love.  
Damnit...now I can't...it's just strange, now. I feel so calm around him that it's unnerving. He just smiles, so gently and calmly at me. He kindly embraces me and makes me feel so warm, and protected. He was my 'Nii-san. Then I would gasp a sharp intake of breath to calm my pounding head. Damnit God, why does he do this to me?  
I thought things were good. After our journey, Kouichi and I saw each other every other day, at the very least. We introduced each other to our parents again, and after a lot of awkward talking and explanation, we eventually settled things out. Or, at least, we smoothed the waters. My father was awkward. My mom was out-of-place. My mother, my real birth mother, was hysterical. Downright hysterical. She even nearly had me crying, and I just don't cry. That's how serious it was. No real answers were given, but suddenly, everything was peachy. Kouichi and I would spend weekends together, if we wanted. We could go places together and hang out together, as friends and brothers. And we went everywhere together, always with each other, every chance we could. We just became "the boys," which made me sort of giddy inside. I'd never had someone like Kouichi who I could be a pair with. A dynamic duo, a troublesome twosome, and...well, so on and so forth. It was kind of amusing. I felt like a little kid out for the first time with his new best friend every time Kouichi and I went somewhere, anywhere. We were brothers, but we also had a special relationship beneath that because we were still strangers, and thus, were still becoming friends.  
I feel that our parents still keep secrets from us, but we are together again, and that is all that matters.

As of late, Kouichi has been acting...odd. He stares at me, he smiles at me, and he takes any excuse he can to be close to me. Is this a brother thing? Does he just want us to have a close, brotherly relationship, or is he looking at me for some other reason? I might just be suspicious. I'm not usually so willing to let people become close to me, and even someone who's my brother, it's unnerving. He...he once slept in the same bed with me, as if it was a completely normal situation. He is my brother; I should have no problem with us sharing a bed. Brothers do that sometimes, right? Even best friends do that sometimes, and we were both: best friends, and brothers. But it made me so uncomfortable that I kicked him out.  
Literally.  
I felt horrible about it afterwards, and had to explain to him that it was just my nature. I felt...disturbed being so close to someone. I needed time. He would just smile knowingly. He was so understanding, and so wise. He made me feel like I simply didn't understand anything. But, it was okay, because I could just seek his guidance and he would lead me to right. It never really hit me just how much I depended on him until that night.  
I think it truly struck me in a dream. I was aware of the magnetism before then, but it never really registered in my mind until he appeared in my dream. That sounds stupid doesn't it? Yeah, I'm aware of how pathetic that sounds. But it's true. I was dreaming about him.  
But...I was a child. I don't know why, but I felt small and weak, like a child. Or maybe it was just my subconscious that was small and weak. I was crying, with my knees to my chest. I wailed, I sobbed, I begged for it to stop, though I didn't know was 'it' was. I was in a dark room. It wasn't my room. It was nothing familiar. It was full of anger and hate and poisonous thoughts that filled the room with toxic smog. This was my mind. I was trapped in my own mind. I was trapped. I couldn't escape. It was a gas chamber. I was a prisoner being sentenced to death. I was going to die in here; I could just cry and cry, and no one would hear me through my locked doors. I was in chains, and as I cried and cried, my chains grew tighter. I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was dead, or was about to die. I screamed to end it, I screamed for release.  
"Are you okay?" A gentle and concerned voice asked me. I looked up, my sight blurry and foggy, to see Kouichi. His outline was shining, as though he was standing in front of a bright light. He fell to his knees and embraced me gently. I sobbed into his shoulder, unable to touch him back due to the chains wrapping me down. He wiped my tears away from my face, and kissed my forehead. My chains disappeared, and I fell into his arms. I hung there limply, dead to the world. I begged him,  
"Kill me, kill me, kill me," and he shushed me gently. He rocked me like a beloved child and stroked me like a delicate treasure. My body felt as though it weighed a thousand pounds, but it didn't matter. I was free from my chains.  
_"Kouji," he whispered delicately in my ear, "How I love you."_  
Though I was asleep, I felt myself smiling then. I drifted fitfully into dreamless sleep until I suddenly jolted awake later, at the very crack of dawn. It wasn't because of a nightmare, it was simply instinct. I liked to wake up early because it was my own special time, when I could be alone in the gray dawn. I looked over at Kouichi's bed from my futon in his little room, and he too seemed to be sleeping beautifully. My silk blue pajamas under the thick blanket I was using made me feel too warm. I kicked off the blanket and unbuttoned the top, waiting to cool down. It wasn't until I had stared up at the ceiling for twenty minutes, staring into the abyss, that I realized the warmth I felt wasn't physical. It was a pleasant feeling swirling in my chest. A warm, odd feeling that was never there before. I put my hand to my chest to assess that the warmth was really there; my heart was beating hard, like I was recovering from exercise.  
"Kouji..." I startled and glared at the source of the sound with my eyes wide. My heart was racing now. I'm very easy to scare, though I would never admit it; never say it. Saying it aloud makes it true.  
"How..." Kouichi. Just my brother...talking to me in his sleep? I stared at him, his breathing steady and slow. I clutched at my heart.  
"I..." I swallowed to try and moisten my dry throat. I was scared. I was completely and utterly scared.  
"I love you," he murmured contently, floating in whatever dream he was drifting in. "I wish you knew how much I loved you, otouto-chan..."  
I simply slid back onto my futon and stared into nothing. Then I started freaking out inside.  
I grew angry, as was expected to be born from my fear. This was wrong. DAMNIT it was wrong! Brothers weren't supposed to feel this...this warmth. I shut my eyes tight, shaking my head into my pillow. I took steady, calming breaths; I needed control. I will not loose control of my anger. Not on my brother. I ignored the flutter in my heart and the warmth that surrounded me because of it. This wasn't because of Kouichi. He was my brother, my friend, my everything. But the one thing he wasn't was... But I couldn't escape the feeling, and it frightened me. I finally gave up and hit my forehead with my fist.  
"Nii-san," I whispered. I stood up, dazed, and slowly climbed into Kouichi's bed. I was careful not to wake him as I embraced him gently. I lay my head on his chest and was still. It was comforting. His heart was beating softly, and I was calmed by it. It was disturbing that I wanted my brother like this, that him just existing could sooth my blazing anger like nothing else.  
The silence was overwhelming, except for the smooth, steady breathing that rose my brother's chest up and down. I ran two fingers over his soft cheeks and slowly moved a lock of dark hair away from his eyes. It made me smile, his sleeping face, so innocent and so...Kouichi. It melted a hole in my ice cold heart, and a storm of feelings suddenly whirled in my head. I was dizzy. Then I just closed my eyes and looked away. My brother...my own twin brother. It made me sick. Or was I mistaking this feeling in my stomach for sickness? Was this feeling love? I had never felt this before; it was so disturbing to me. Me, who always held the cards, who was always in control. Me.  
Whether or not it was love for him dancing in my stomach like a wild flame, it made me feel ill, none the less. I just cuddled to him closer, feeling cold and sweaty at the same time. I rubbed my cheek against his, and whispered quietly to him.  
"Is it really right to love?"  
Sleepily, he opened his eyes, and I felt frozen to the spot. He blinked a few times, staring up at me. I wanted to run away and scream. I wanted to cry and hit the floor and to just run, far away from him. My body was so tense, so wound-up that I felt that my muscles would just break. I was almost afraid that I'd strike him just to use up the tension in my muscle.  
"Kouji?" he said, sounding groggy.  
"I didn't...I didn't mean...I'm sorry!" I blurted out, terrified of what he would think. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and die, I was so afraid he would hate me. But then, for some reason, he reached out and hugged me. I was so surprised and so tense that I almost hit him, but instead, I just lay there. I stared past his face as he whispered sweet comforting nothings in my ear. I...was so afraid. And so confused. I pushed him away and leaped out of his bed, my heart beating so fast and my brain telling me to go back, to go back and embrace him. To have him hold me and love me, because he cared for me like no one else did. He called me. He said it was alright. I looked back at him, and recognition smacked me hard. His face was my face. He was me. We were twins, the closest of all brothers. Even conceiving loving him was beyond wrong. To love him was...  
"I-I'm sorry!" I managed to choke out, awkwardly running out of his room and away from my brother, who I felt now held my heart in chains.


	2. Longing

A/N: "I hope you guys are enjoying the fic. Or are being depressed by it. I'm not quite sure of my intentions yet; maybe you're supposed to be happy you're depressed." 

That was a line from my original author notes. I loved it xD'  
Let's get rockin'.

Perfect Entice_  
Longing_

_(Kouichi)_  
I lay still in my bed as I tried to decipher my brother's behavior. Obviously I had a lot to learn about this 'love' thing, and a sudden confession of my feelings while my brother was panicking wildly above me was not the way to do it. In my imagination my confession would be calm and romantic. I would say everything exactly as I felt and would enhance the importance of it with caresses and kisses. I knew he would be afraid, and perhaps even angry. Kouji is always angry at things that are new to him and that frighten him, and I understand that about him. I would always be the only one to truly understand him. But, in my mind, he would realize how much I truly loved him, and that our lives could never be complete without each other. That I would always love him until my death. That he is and will always be my everything...  
That was not in anyway how it turned out. I had barely started to explain how I felt when he pushed me away from him and ran out of my room, perhaps to sulk or rage silently in his mind.  
Damn.  
I suddenly realized how selfish I was being. All this time, I had been thinking of myself, and my adoration for Kouji. But how did he feel? How did he feel, suddenly aware that his only brother, his twin at that, had romantic feelings for him?  
It made my stomach plunge.  
All this time, I had called Kouji mine. I was so selfish. I said I knew him and that I understood his feelings, but I didn't really. That was just another excuse to try and convince myself that I was worthy of him. I knew what Kouji had gone through, but I didn't understand him at all. And because of that, and my selfishness, he's run away from me. Who knew if he'd ever come back.  
I'd been having a pleasant dream until this happened, and I hadn't exactly planned on telling him on this particular day at this particular time in this particular way. After the short, explosive morning, I don't remember much of it. The dream, that is. I'm aware that I have so many dreams a night (The average human has at least one hundred dreams a night for an average seven hours rest. Who knew?) that they seem to string together in an awkward story that sometimes makes no sense. Simply that my Kouji and I were together, alone, was enough for me to assume that my dreams were pleasant. _"Kouji..."_ I said to him softly, stroking his hair as he clung to my chest._ "How I love you..."_  
He made a noise possibly between a sob, a growl and a sigh. I thought he would tell me that he loved me, too. His eyes were wide as a child's with the tears to back them up, and he was sniffing and tightening his grip around me. "_Nii-san_... Is it really right to love?" Those words pierced into my dream world, and they suddenly woke me. In a few seconds I shed the curtain of sleep to find Kouji standing over me.  
"Otouto-chan?" I said, half asleep, half disbelieving that Kouji was kneeling over me in such a way.  
He looked shocked, he looked terrified. No, mortified. "I didn't...I didn't mean...I'm sorry!"  
I wondered for a moment if he was about to hit me, and I thought he would when I suddenly embraced him. At that moment, that moment, he needed to know. He needed me to tell him, and I wanted so badly to tell him. I was still half asleep and not thinking clearly, when I suddenly started to confess my love to him.  
My brother. In a rush of feelings and encouragement I tried to tell him there and then, but he panicked. He forced himself out of my grip and ran away. He looked back at me, and he seemed horrified as he met my face. Our face.  
"I-I'm sorry..." was all he managed to get out.  
I'm one of those unfortunate people who have a thousand bad sleeping habits that they're too embarrassed or shy about to admit. Like snoring. Or drooling in my sleep. Or tossing and turning and eventually getting so wrapped up in my blankets that it cuts the circulation off in my legs.  
Or speaking in my dreams.  
Or telling Kouji that I love him while I'm asleep.  
Why else would he have looked so vulnerable; so afraid? I must've spoken my thoughts to him. I must've said to a dream Kouji, hiding in my arms from the world, that I loved him. I must've scared him. I might've hurt him...

That final possibility was the one that got me out of bed to find him. I threw on my only robe, white and tattered second-hand, and quietly opened my door, peering around the corners before tip-toeing out. Kaa-san was still asleep, and she wouldn't wake for another quarter of an hour, at least. She works so long and hard that I try to spare her every minute of sleep she can get.  
Our apartment is very small, and there were only so many places Kouji could be. He would either be in the bathroom, or the kitchen; Kaa-san sleeps on the couch so that I can have my own room. Or more appropriately, Kouji and I...There I go, being selfish again. I blush wildly.  
He wasn't in the kitchen. So he must be in the bathroom, for I did not hear him leave. I considered going to fetch him, but I decided against it. For a few minutes I paced between the small kitchen and in front of the bathroom, and several times I almost just walked right in without knocking, but I knew I had to control myself. Think of Kouji, think only of Kouji. I wanted to hug him and caress him, to tell him it will all be alright. He wanted solitude. He wanted to organize his thoughts. Think only of Kouji.  
I wanted to finish what I started, I wanted to confess my soul to him. My brother, my twin brother; my love. My heart-stealer. But he wanted peace and quiet. He wanted to think...  
_'Think only of Kouji.' _It became a meditative chant for me in my mind. My brother needed to piece himself together. I would give him his time, and then would do my best to heal the wounds I've inflicted, and everyone else has inflicted. Certainly he would let me. He was my brother. And he loved me too, didn't he?  
_'Think only of Kouji.'_  
I suddenly remembered a passing comment that Kouji had a fondness for hot green tea with a small lump of sugared ginger in it. I wondered if I should heat some tea for him; Kaa-san always swears that hot tea helps relieve a little stress, maybe even calms the mind._'Think only of Kouji.'_  
If Kouji likes green tea, then green tea he shall have. I had just set the teapot on the stove and set the burner to "high" when I heard a door unlocking. I heard heavy breathing, then silence, then the soft, awkward thud of someone walking very slowly. I held my breath, waiting for him to appear. One minute. Two minutes. He tenderly peeked into the kitchen.  
"Kouji?"  
He stopped, and looked right at me, with the classic 'deer in the headlights' look. His eyes seemed dark and his face appeared aged. His beautiful raven hair was tousled; he obviously hadn't taken the time to brush it.  
He suddenly looked away from me. Staring hard at the ground, clenching his teeth as hard as he could to halt the tears, he ground out in a low whisper: "How do you do this to me?"

My heart sunk and my vision was flooded with tears. I felt like crawling into a hole and dying. Kouji hated me...he HATED me. He was afraid of me. How could I have even tendered the idea of him forgiving me for my selfishness? I disturbed him, and he felt like he'd just been betrayed. All of my dreams of being with him; shattered because of carelessness. I suddenly tensed up. Would he want to leave me? Would he never want to see me again? Did I disturb him that much? God, no! Not my brother! After all this time, no! I was prepared to grovel at his feet, beg his forgiveness, and beg him to forget the ignorance of his selfish brother. After all we went through to finally, actually be 'brothers', I just couldn't let him leave me. But he continued.  
"How can you make me feel..."  
He'd continued. I blinked away tears and looked at him. He was clutching the counter, staring determinedly at it, trying to avoid in any way he could looking at me. I realized what he had said. 'How DO you do this to me.' Not, 'How COULD you do this to me.'  
He didn't...hate me. He didn't hate me? Or did he?  
"Kouichi."  
"Kouji."  
We spoke each other's names simultaneously. I blushed as heat ran through my whole body, and he looked up surprised, and then amused. He closed his eyes, now sullen and dark. My brother shouldn't suffer from me...  
"Do you feel it too?"  
My breathing grew slightly faster. Did I feel it. Did I feel the warm, almost suffocating aching love for him that controls my every thought? The pleading desire that struggles in my heart for him every moment? The deep, trembling adoration I felt for him in every single sense of my being?  
_'Think only of Kouji.'_  
I heard his steps. He was walking towards me. He was coming for me. Didn't I hurt him? Didn't he hate me? Did he love me? He was reaching up to me- "Do you feel this warmth-"  
"I'm sorry!" I choked out, tensing as he reached me. "I didn't mean, what I mean is, I didn't want to make you feel like that. I understand if you hate me, but please don't. God, please don't leave me!"  
His arm paused. He furrowed his brow a little, staring at me, as though a little confused. "Leave you?"  
I fought the tears trying to force themselves from my eyes, struggling to convey what I've been wanting to say for so long, "I just... I can't live without... you're my br-brother, and I know it's wrong. I know you probably hate me. I know that-" I took a deep breath, "-something is really, really wrong with me, but I can't help it. It's just, I mean, I love you-"  
I stopped. Kouji stopped. Time stopped entirely. There was nothing in the entire world except me, and Kouji. He looked at me with an emotion I had never seen in his eyes before. Calm, collected Kouji. Cool, distant, indifferent Kouji. My Kouji, who looked at me with pain and longing.  
Then the tea-kettle began to whistle.  
Kouji's tea was ready.

-------------

_(Kouji)_

About the same day, mid-afternoon, Kouichi and I were being lazy on the couch and watching a colorful game show, for lack of any other choices. Kaa-san had woken up about half a minute after the tea-kettle had whistled. Afterwards, she sat down with us and we ate breakfast together, like a family. We had to admit, Kouichi could make nice tea. (How odd he put ginger in it, just how I like it. Did I tell him once?) Less then an hour later, after chatting with us and discussing our plans for the rest of the weekend, she left for work. It pained me to see poor Kaa-san so over-worked, and even more so when I realized how comfortable of a life I lived. Sometimes it makes me fucking hate my father for letting her get in this bad a shape. And Kouichi...  
I looked over at him, he smiled at me in return. I rolled my eyes and sighed, leaning back between the couch and its arm. Nothing more had been said. I didn't trust myself to bring it up again. I was afraid that this time, I really would break down, trying to confront him again. I don't want to say that I was disturbed that he loved me... I mean, brothers are supposed to love each other I guess. So, yeah. Look, I don't know, alright? I just keep letting my mind drift, and it inevitably goes right back to him. I'm peeking at him out of the corner of his eye. Somehow sensing that I'm looking at him, he looks at me again, and smiles cheerfully. Sigh again. Awkward. I looked away from him, and he chuckles. I guess he thinks I'm pouting.  
I decide to close my eyes for a few minutes to try and tune out the obnoxious commercials that followed the obnoxious game show. Everything was just replaying in my mind as clearly as though I'd lived it only moments before...

_After I'd dashed out of Kouichi's room, I realized I had no where to go. I felt dazed, and a part of me still wanted to be in that room with Kouichi, hugging him, kissing him. Oh God ... my own brother... I felt myself gagging a little, and I clutched my pounding head with my clammy hands.  
I could go home...but I would wake up Kaa-san in the process. She'd be concerned why I was going home while it was hardly even light out, especially because I'm supposed to be staying the weekend here. I tried to put a mental list of all good hiding places in the apartment. There simply weren't any. It was so small the only logical place I could come up with was the bathroom. And so, to the bathroom I went.  
Shaking and panting I sat down on the toilet, wiping my sweaty palms on the knees of my pajamas. I held my head in my hands and took steady breaths to calm myself. In, out. In, out.  
Damn meditative therapists. Suggesting I had anger problems, they taught me how to restrain my anger in a bottle, and to let it flow naturally, not in a volcanic eruption.  
Little did they know I discovered their dirty little tricks work for virtually every emotion.  
In, out. In, out. Stop, holding. Concentrate...release. In, concentrate, out. _

Fear slowly began to evaporate. Uncertainty and hatred slowly melted down. But I needed anger. Anger was all the kept me going. Kouichi opened his door. He paused for a moment, and then I heard him quietly walking towards the kitchen. I held my breath, expecting him to realize where I was and to come in with me. I prayed he would keep out. He was right outside the door. I saw the knob slightly wobble, then release. He started walking towards the kitchen again. This happened a couple times, and then stopped. I assumed he was staying put. God.  
In, out. In, hold. Concentrate. Concentrate. Concentrate. Release.  
I somehow felt my anger ebbing too, though I had tried to hold on to it. Anger made me feel powerful; it made me feel in control. It made me feel like I WAS somebody. Anger was the base of my barrier, and my anger was gone. I held myself.  
All that was left in its place was this indescribable warmth.  
This glorious warmth. It was this horrible, beautiful warmth, which I refuse to call love. And who I loved...thinking about it brought more fear. I felt pathetic and alone. How could I even think about my brother that way?  
I splashed water on my face. I unlocked the door, peering warily out of it.  
Silence.  
As much as I hate to admit it, my fear was back. My fear was attacking me ten-fold, and I shuddered as I walked slowly towards the kitchen, stopping every couple of seconds to listen for sounds of Kouichi moving.  
Not even his breath. Was he even in the kitchen? Was he still in his room?  
I fearfully looked around the corner, almost praying he wouldn't be there. But there he was, staring at me. And I stared back. He was definitely waiting for me there, and while I had been internally hoping that he wouldn't be, his presence shocked me. I looked away. I felt my face grow hot and my eyelids wet and heavy. Struggling to keep my voice a whisper for Kaa-san's sake, I choked out, "How do you do this to me?"  
Please tell me Nii-san. I need to know. I need to understand. How do you make me feel so warm? So safe? S-So... So loved... 

My head felt heavy. It was at though I had a hundred rocks wedged in my head and every time I moved it, I was moving those hundred rocks with it. I was tired, of course, and was only slightly dozing on the couch in my diagonal position.  
Even now. That gnawing warmth in my stomach that made me feel safe, even now. It made me feel...content. It made me feel secure. I yawned in my dozing state, and heard Kouichi hum next to me. Damnit. I'd have glared at him if I weren't so tired.  
He wrapped his arms around me and gently settled my head down on his lap as a make-shift pillow. I sighed contentedly at the softness.  
"You'll hurt your neck laying like that, 'touto-chan," Kouichi muttered, taking a lock of my hair away from my eyes.  
I grunted in response and blushed slightly, then sat up out of his lap and stubbornly fell against the back of the sofa. Kouichi didn't seem particularly dazed. It wasn't long before I yawned again, and out of the corner of my eye, he smiled. That damn brother of mine...  
I sighed. Kouichi and I, we couldn't commit ourselves yet. I couldn't give myself entirely to someone, not even Kouichi. I explained it to him without words. He said he understood, without words, and just smiled at me with that calm, knowing smile. And I sat here, with my brother and the warmth in my heart for him, watching a flashing game show that was the pure definition of idiotic. "And you've won one million yen!" Yay. Good for you. Now choke and die.  
I yawned again, and Kouichi shut off the television. I glared at him now, and he simply stroked my head. I slapped his hand away. He was such a touchy boy.  
"Why don't you take a nap for an hour? You look exhausted."  
"No," I said with a scowl, taking the remote and turning the game show back on. "I'm fine here."  
Kouichi took the remote back from me and shut the game show off. "You're tired, Kouji. I'd like you to go to bed."  
I took the remote back and turned the game show back on. I gave him a look. It was little more than a glare, which, you know, was kind of just a glare. But I was kind of hoping he took it to mean something along the lines of, "Shut the fuck up."  
Kouichi took the remote back and shut the game show back off. Well. It usually worked.  
I took it back and turned it back on.  
Kouichi took it and shut it off. Then he smiled at me, seeming very amused.  
I smiled wickedly at him as I took the remote again, turned the television on, and popped out the batteries, giving him the now-not working remote. Hah, hope that amuses you, Kouichi.  
That damn brother of mine. It didn't even faze him. He simply got up and turned the thing off manually, then came back to stare down at me with his hands on his hips. "Are you going to take a nap consensually, or do I have to pick you up and carry you?"  
I blushed and growled that I could take care of myself, and that he was being an overly-protective obsessive compulsive idiot.  
He smiled.

I collapsed on his bed like I really WAS made of rocks. Oh, bed. Wonderfully comfy bed. I would've passed out immediately if Kouichi hadn't tried to slip in with me. He put his arm over me, and I glared at him with one eye.  
"And what the hell do you think you're doing?"  
Kouichi looked back innocently at me, half of his face covered by his unrestrained hair. "Taking a nap."  
Scowl. "You told ME to take a nap."  
"Well, I felt like napping with you."  
Right on time, I yawned again, which apparently ended the argument. Damnit. 2:0.  
For a few minutes I lay with him. He was twitchy, like he wanted to move a bit, which lead me to believe he was a tosser-turner sleeper. But he didn't really bother me, and so, coddled close by my brother, I slowly started drifting to sleep. My eyes lids were so heavy I couldn't lift them if an earthquake suddenly hit the city and started toppling buildings.  
"Kouji?" Kouichi muttered in my ear.  
I almost groaned, I was so close to sleep..."What?"  
"Kouji. Do you...do you love me?"  
I sighed again. I didn't feel like answering this question. I honestly couldn't answer this question. To my brother. My flesh and blood. The terror of love, the sin of loving. My own twin, with whom I shared a greater connection that no one else could understand. I never wanted to be in love with anyone. Love was useless. Love was a pain in the ass. Love was nothing good. It was just hurt.  
Did I love him.  
I thought about that for a bit. I felt the warmth inside of me, swirling so strongly, so continually in my very soul. No longer could I mistake it for sickness, but for love? For true, passionate longing, for love? I wanted...  
I somehow managed to open my eyes. Somehow realizing I was staring at him, Kouichi opened his eyes too. Our identical eyes stared perfectly into each other. I felt my hard face melt. This boy, this person, this soul. My brother. Did I love him? Could I love him?  
Kouichi was moving his face closer to mine. I almost panicked again and kneed his crotch, but managed to restrain myself. Kouichi's forehead was touching mine. His skin felt so warm against mine, soft and smooth against cold and clammy. I could feel his warm breath on me, and all the while he stared at me. He stared _into_ me. Never before have I ever felt so pierced, as though my every dam had been broken through, and Kouichi was the river of love that suddenly flowed in me. His lips on mine. My lips on his. The slight opening of his mouth to lick my upper lip. The slight opening of my mouth to nibble on his bottom. But could I say it?  
"I love you," he murmured. So honest, so pure, so clean. But me...  
"Yeah," I whispered quietly, only just audible above my breathing. Getting it out was like ripping out my intestines, "Me too."  
We kissed. My barriers had never left me feeling more protected than that one, simple, innocent kiss I shared with my brother.


	3. Unravel

Disclaimer: I'm brain dead trying to think of a clever way to get out that I don't own Digimon.  
Oh, hey, that worked.  
Warnings: The usual...there's a reason this is rated so highly. Kouji has a dirty vocabulary. He needs his mouth cleaned out with soap. Or Kouichi.  
A/N: Gaze in fear, the first full-out lemon I ever wrote.  
Harhar, that's a lie.  
Okay.  
The first lemon I ever got serious about. My first fanfic ever was a lemon. But it was bad. So this is like the first one. And it's not even that dirty. When I first wrote this, I was like: "You are filthy Dx" now I write more interesting things than this in prologues. Oh, good times, good times.  
Member: This is the one that had to be cut so that it would fit into little rating system. To see the "X" rated version, go check out my account x3 Link to it on my profile. Also, read "Perception" while you're there, won't you?  
Enjoy. 

Perfect Entice _Unravel_

(Five Months Later)

(Kouji)  
Nobody had to know. It never had to get out. Not a living soul needed to know the real reason I needed to see Kouichi every day. No one needed to know why we suddenly wanted to share our beds with each other. No one had to know that we were in love. I don't understand why anyone should have known...Nii-san. 

A birthday came and went. Now we were thirteen, officially teenagers. Officially moody, temperamental hormone engaged idiots just waiting to screw up our lives. Goody. I couldn't wait to be looked down upon as just another mindless drone of generation as we continue to fuck up everyone else's existence. I got some very awkward looks from family and friends as I said this while cutting our birthday cake.  
Kouichi just smiled, and told me I shouldn't be so 'We're all gonna kill ourselves' blunt. I told him he shouldn't be such a 'sunshine and rainbows' pansy. Then he smiled wider. Humph. That damn brother of mine.  
Not a thing changed between us, it seemed at first. I think my biggest fear of relationships came from the irrational assumption that I wouldn't know how to act like a lover. But it slowly began to happen without my noticing, without our meaning to. Without the 'acting' I thought was needed. The truth was that we were already so natural around each other that there was nothing that provided smoothing over...except for the fact that we were brothers. Yeah, I'd say that definitely needed some serious smoothing. No kidding.  
The subtle change from brother to something more came as naturally as it was from the very beginning; from perfect stranger (If not a somewhat creepy stalker) to a friend, to a brother. To a confidant. And to something that couldn't be put into words. Something that can only be described as security, and warmth.  
Even protection.  
Perhaps even love.  
Never has a day gone by did Kouichi forget to say: "I love you." Me? I just nod or pretend I didn't hear, or turn away...it depends on my mood. Sometimes I smile. Sometimes I even manage to say back, "Ditto" or "I know" before I add a sarcastic remark to it. One that made me REALLY embarrassed still brings a blush to my face and I have to stop what I'm doing to hide my face in embarrassment. Outside my house, after Kouichi and I were on a 'date' (Really, we just walked around. We got ice cream. That's about it. Really. Fine, he kissed me once. Seriously. Oh, shut up) Kouichi embraced me in a manner that was not too affectionate to cause alarm, but enough to remind me how he loved me. Enough to remind me of the warmth that swirled in my heart for him, and only him. "I love you," he muttered in my ear, blowing it in a make-shift kiss in case people were watching.  
I scoffed at him in phony bravado, and for lack of anything else to say: "What, do you want to get married now?" Then I gawked at myself and had to walk away really fast to hide my furiously blushing face while listening to Kouichi laughing at me. I think he yelled after me: "You're wearing the dress!" before I slammed my door. That damn brother of mine! I'd never wear a dress; he'll be the one wearing it. Humph.  
Needless to say I dreamed of twin ice cream cones wearing dresses and singing the wedding song. Very, very creepy. Then I dreamed of Kouichi dressed up as a strawberry ice cream cone, blushing and shyly asking me to come and eat him. Much less creepy. Very yummy. Mmm...  
...I mean...forget about that please...  
Damn.

I'm uncomfortable saying that I love someone. I haven't said 'I love you' to my father since I was seven. I've never said 'I love you' to my step-mother. Just that I don't hate her.  
As much as I want Kouichi to understand how I feel, all I can do is shy away from his affection, hoping he sees what I can't say. He just smiles knowingly; like he knows a secret I don't. I love his smiles; it's as though every time he smiles, he's reminding me that he'll always be there, and most of all, that it's okay for me to be human. I desperately need that reassurance from him, and I think he knows that.  
We spend the night at each other's houses as often as we can, which is usually only on the weekends. We still go to different schools, and they're over an hour apart. Kouichi would have to get up extremely early in the morning to either get back home to catch a school bus, or to spend several hours in public transportation if we were to try to spend the night anytime else.  
He tells me he's used to it because he used buses to ride all around the city to find and follow me a few years ago. Of course, he used the term 'find me' when he really means 'stalk me'. Not that I mind. It's cute to think my Nii-san is a stalker and I told him so. His turn to blush. 3-1. Hah, take that Kouichi. But of course, getting back to the point, I won't put Kouichi through that just so that he can sleep with me, so I don't let him do that on school nights. And without further explanation, it means he's a tease on the weekends. Damn that sexy tease of a brother of mine...

Let me get one thing straight. Kouichi is a computer whiz. He's one of those people who get on a computer and can disappear into it for hours, then look up at you and think: "But I've only been on a few minutes." Me? The computer is boring. The computer is for people who have no life, no mind, no personality, and no hope for a future. I get on the thing to do homework, check e-mail, and sometimes chat with Takuya. Occasionally download music. That about cuts it for me. On, off, five minutes. Kouichi teases me because I'm a poker instead of a faster typer like him. I really, really don't care. Unless your job in life is to type on a computer for seven hours a day, staring at that blaring screen until you need laser surgery to correct your horribly damaged vision and overeating to the point of becoming obese, you are completely wasting your life on the computer.  
Except Kouichi, of course. Kouichi's an exception to that rule because he PROGRESSES on his computer.  
It's not an extremely fancy thing. Probably something Kaa-san picked up used. It was bulky, dull grey, and really ugly, not to mention out of date. It was way out of place in their neat and tidy little apartment. But it's one hundred times faster then our computer, which is roughly a year old. Kouichi has upgraded the damn thing like a pro. You know what he does on the damn thing?  
He DRAWS on it. And that's what I got him for Christmas last year. One of those tablet-thingies to draw on.  
He spends nearly every second on the computer drawing. He's an artsy pansy. But he's a talented artsy pansy. He's even currently drawing his own manga online, 'Cross Your Heart'. He actually makes_ T-shirts _and sells them online, his manga/comic thing has gotten around so much. I haven't read it. I don't want to. I spend as little time on the Internet as I can. Kouichi advises me not to read his manga anyhow, lest I lose what I've eaten in the last few hours. He says it's full of emotion, something that would over-load my senses. Then he smiles cheerfully at me, and I know he's merely teasing me.  
Ha. Ha. Ha.  
Otherwise, he spends his time staring at the screen, doing something he views as worthwhile, and usually eating something.  
Today, it was a Popsicle. A Cherry Popsicle to be precise.  
I have never in my life ever assumed the possibility that something as stupid and simple as a cherry Popsicle would cause me such TORMENT. Confused? Duh. Of course you are, I haven't explained it yet. But man...  
I usually forbid Kouichi from touching that damned device when I'm visiting him. But occasionally, he gets me to agree. How can I help it? He just stares at me with these wide childish eyes and he pouts, calling me a mean and selfish otouto-chan. How can I say no to him? Of course, he immediately brightens after I agree and he lightly kisses my cheek, telling me I'm a sweet and kind 'touto-chan. Humph. Why do I fall for it, every damn time?  
So here I am, sitting here in a chair a few inches behind Kouichi, glaring at him without paying attention to what he's typing wildly, staring over his shoulder. Kouichi tells me he sees a small puppy pouting because no one will play with him when I'm waiting for him to be finished with his computer time. I tell him he's a technological and manipulative jerk. Then he smiles at me, ever so gently, and I of course can't object to letting him take his time. Usually he's rather quiet when he's typing or drawing, doing nothing in particular, but this time he turns and asks me if I'm hungry. I shrug and mumble, which he correctly assumes is a no.  
While he's gone, I take a peak at what he's typing. It's apparently dialogue for the new chapter of his manga.  
How revolting. Lovey-dovey-lover stuff. The whole dramatic: "I'll love you 'til I die!" bit that they show on soap-operas for people with no hope for a real relationship to watch. How the hell can you sell _T-shirts_ based on this crap? A dramatist's wet dream, that's all it was. Then I remember that it was my brother, and semi-lover, who wrote it. Kouichi was right, I had no idea what to feel at that moment. Damnit. 4-1.  
He returns with a slim white package. I'm about to ask him what it is, when he suddenly pushes it up through the wrapping. And there it is, the bright red cherry Popsicle. He immediately turns his attention back to his computer, typing one handed while he slowly sucks the Popsicle with the other. I stare at him. Or more, the frozen treat in his hand. He sensually moved his tongue up it's dripping sides, and then slowly took it in his mouth, suckling for a moment before removing it, and repeating. My eyes are glued to his delicious antics and I was frozen in my seat (No pun intended) as he licks the Popsicle delightedly. His pale lips were soon stained a bright, cherry red as he licked and suckled. His lips made a tiny sucking noise as he took the treat in his mouth and...oh. Man.  
There was no experience in the Digital World that EVER could have possibly caused me more torment then watching my brother eat that Popsicle. I suddenly felt really awkward. Why was I getting enjoyment out of this? It was just a Popsicle. My brother was eating a Popsicle.  
But it looked deliciously like something else.

Slowly, licking and suckling, taking the entire treat in his mouth, holding it there in his throat so he could have two hands to type furiously; he apparently just had a brain wave for good dialogue. He still managed to suck the Popsicle without his hands; I watched his Adam's apple move up and down as he tried to keep it from dripping on his clothes, and it stayed there for about a minute as he finished typing. Then he removed it, wiping his chin of the sticky red residue that had started dripping down it. He licks his cherry red lips with his cherry red tongue, and then lightly nibbles the tip of the Popsicle. I was so freaking hard. I could feel my aching erection in my jeans that suddenly felt far too tight, and my cheeks that were as red as Kouichi's damn Popsicle. I tried to adjust my position, but there aren't many positions you can take on a chair. My only option is to cross one leg over the other, which I do. I silently groan as Kouichi takes the entire Popsicle in his mouth again, and just the sight alone makes me tingle with excitement. I felt like such a pervert getting aroused off of this. It was just a stupid Popsicle! But as he drags his tongue from bottom to top again, I can't help but picture him doing it to me. I hate hormones. I didn't want to feel this.  
He removes the Popsicle from his mouth, and looks at me out of the corner of his eye. I'm too distracted to consider this to be anything important, and just want him to put the damn thing back in his mouth. Distracted how? How about hiding a sudden unexplainable bulge in my pants from my brother as he eats a Popsicle! A Popsicle, of all things! But I couldn't help it. I watched Kouichi's mouth as it slid beautifully over the now shrunken cherry frozen treat, and I yearned for Kouichi's sensual mouth on ME...  
Despite all this, and despite how I feel, don't think I really am a pervert. I'm not one of those teenagers who jack-off every night just because I have a penis and the ability to do so, and actually, I'm embarrassed touching myself. Sex has always just been one of those things that I wanted to stay away from. But I'm not exactly innocent. I've experimented. And after Kouichi told me these beautiful things...how he wanted to be mine completely, I...I've fantasized a little. He takes the whole treat in his mouth again. I struggle to keep myself from moaning in desire. I feel even worse. Sexual desire was a raw feeling I was unused to. Fantasy was one thing, real life was another. I hated the feeling of raw desire; it made me feel vulnerable.  
God, my greatest fantasy at this particular moment was to have Kouichi tasting my-  
"Alright, I'm done," he said in an odd way. For a moment I wonder what he means, whether he's done with his typing or eating his popsicle. Turns out he means both. For the first time, I'm disappointed he didn't type all day.  
"Whatever," I muttered, shifting a little in my seat. God damn jeans. I think I really need to get to a bathroom before I go insane. I suddenly notice his demeanor. He's staring deviously at me with his dark blue eyes twinkling mischievously. He's holding the Popsicle stick with his teeth, and moving it slowly.  
"I hope you didn't mind sitting there Kouji, all that time," he said impishly, staring for my reaction.  
What reaction? On my part, there are no reactions. "Hnn..."  
He slides out of his chair, and takes the popsicle stick out of his mouth. He licks the bit of red still noticeable on the stick, and places it on the computer desk. He smiles at me with his cherry red lips and stained cherry red teeth. I feel like my erection is on a spotlight as it's trying to burst out of my jeans, even though I'm doing a decent job of hiding it.  
"Because I know that when you just sit there, doing nothing productive, your impatience just makes you feel like you're going to burst."  
Shit. He knew. He knew. And he was doing this intentionally. Oh God...  
He's kneeling in front of me. I watch him in a daze as he slowly takes my leg down from my knee and spreads them apart, nuzzling the more than slightly obvious bulge in my jeans.  
"...You sly, perverted little-"  
I hiss and cut myself off as Kouichi began massaging my erection. His hands move slowly in a perfect rhythm, forcing my cock to feel the friction of my boxers and jeans. I stared wide-mouthed at him, and he stares wide-eyed back.  
"So to make it up to you, I'll do something productive for a change."  
"Kouichi-"  
"Care to experiment a little, being a Popsicle? "  
I swear I almost came right then. Before I could answer him, he had already unzipped my jeans and wriggled them out from under me to pull them down. He toyed with the elastic of my navy boxers, running his finger on the inside, stretching the material but not quite removing it. He slowly stands up from his kneeling position and straddles my lap, nibbling my upper lip.

All this time I'm sitting here completely frozen and unable to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. He's calm. He wants to experiment. He's been waiting to do this for a long time. But me, I was still shy, uncertain, and untouched. Should I be...doing something? Saying something to him? What? Should I hold his head; should I run my fingers through his hair? I shouldn't just be sitting here doing nothing, like a statue...my brother...God DAMNIT. Then, just as I'm about to smack myself over the head for being such a clueless idiot, he kisses me, sliding his cherry red tongue in my mouth to play with mine. I gasp at his mouth, both cold and warm from eating such a chilly treat. God, my brother was kissing me. Kissing me, intimately, not just...a regular kiss. A little awkwardly, I kiss him back, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and pulling him closer on me. Artificial cherry and sugar preservatives never tasted so good in my entire life. Hesitancy quickly disappears and I'm kissing him forcefully, needing to taste more of him. My brother tastes so delicious. I slightly open my eyes and am surprised to see Kouichi blushing perhaps even redder than I was. He stops the kiss and takes a deep breath, panting for a moment. Ah. I guess I forgot he needs to breathe.  
He opens his eyes and leans forward again, licking the sides of my mouth; perhaps because of the cherry juice now on both of our faces. He spreads my legs further apart and kneels down on the ground again, leaving me to clutch the sides of the chair as I wait for him. His breathing is awkward as he reaches his hand inside my underwear and lightly tickles me, he actually tickles...IT... with the very tips of his fingers. It felt good. No one else had ever touched me like that before. It just felt so good.  
I finally snapped and groaned for him to hurry, wriggling out of my boxers myself. Shyness and hesitancy was nothing compared to this need to feel and be felt by him. My hard-on sprung loose of the dark blue material, standing desperately in need of attention and even slightly dripping with need. Kouichi blushed even darker then before, awkwardly grasping me with his slim fingers. He looked up at me hesitantly, and I was panting softly as Kouichi lightly licked my tip of the salty fluid gathered there, waiting for a definite signal.  
"Nii-san..." was all I could squeeze out. With what can be no less described as wild-fire in his eyes, he took me completely in his mouth. I moan and thrust up into the moist cavern. Both warm and slightly cool, his tongue gives an extremely pleasing sensation as he licks my shaft; I'd never dreamed of feeling so good. I bury my hands in his untidy dark hair as he moves his head slowly at first, then rapidly up and down; my stomach was clenching with every lick and suck. I'm arching my back and taking deep, shaky breaths, trying to calm my galloping heart. When that doesn't work, my hand moves up to my chest and clings to my shirt, but then it slyly moves on his own accord under it to tweak my nipples. I'm numb with pleasure. I can't do anything but gasp and choke on my own moans. He does it so slowly, so tenderly, I couldn't even believe my brother was capable of making me feel so good.  
Kouichi scoots closer to me, hugging my hips and dipping his head deeply. He's unsure. He's slow, gentle, so new at this, but so wanting me to feel pleasure however he can give it. All I can do is moan and resist the need to scream in euphoric bliss as Kouichi moves his head even faster. His hands shyly feel me when his mouth leaves me, still looking for ways to pleasure me. I lift my leg over his shoulder vaguely hearing the praises I'm whispering of all things holy that my brother could do this to me. If it felt like this, maybe sex wasn't that bad. Maybe I've been afraid of nothing all this time. I feel wetness at the corner of my eye. I was crying. Just because of...Ungh. He's gripping me now. Novice or not, he feels amazing.  
"Nii-san," I moan, my stomach wildly clenching and unclenching. He takes me even farther into his mouth, before choking a little and pulling back. As he's coughing I look at him in concern, but then he takes me down his throat and swallows wildly, and I lost what I was about to say. I gasp and stare wide eyed at the ceiling, unable to think, almost unable to breathe. He stops again, yanking me out of my ecstatic ride, then plunges me back in again.  
"ONII-SAN!" I completely forgot about trying not to scream. I tug hard at his hair and thrust up into him, needing that warmth, desperately needing him to make me come. My eyes are closed and I whimper in a high pitched non-stop chorus. I gasp, my entire body twitches and I'm still again, my entire body clenching tightly. I'm so full, so close, I don't know if I can hold off another second. "...I'm, AHH, I'm gonna...Ooooh..."  
He moves his mouth away from me, and suckles on the head of my shaft. And just like the Popsicle, he lightly nibbles my head, and I come all over his face with a scream very unlike my own. He didn't move away, just kneeled between my legs, breathlessly waiting as I finished. He smiles and looks up at me with a dreamy expression, my come slowly dripping down his grinning mouth, just like the popsicle juice.  
"So, was that productive enough for you?"  
That. Damn. Brother. Of mine. Oh God, please do it again. More, Nii-san, more.

---------

_(Kouichi )_  
I hold your shaking body in my arms because I love you, Kouji. I know you're afraid, and I know you're still trying to understand. I know you think that you're undeserving, and I know you try to push me away. But I'll never let go. You can cry without tears in my arms and I will always hold you close. Nobody will ever take that away from you, otouto-chan. No one can ever tell you that we can't be in love, because it will never be true. We're brothers. Our bond is forever.

My brother looks so dangerously sexy.  
Hehe, deja vu for you?  
But, well, it's quite true.  
He looks so superior as he glares at you and holds his head high, his shoulders square and his body erect. He doesn't slouch, he stands confidently, staring you straight in the face with a dangerous look in his eyes. They narrow as he scowls and he doesn't have to say a word for you to know you need to back off. He's so strong and powerful and confident; he makes me melt.  
Me? I slouch a little. I don't square my shoulders and have a tendency of staring at the ground while I walk, or staring at the sky when I'm outside. I'm a dreamer, I like to stare at the clouds and see the pretty shapes they become. This is probably why I'm constantly tripping over myself. So, I'm a klutz, while Kouji is as graceful as can be. Go figure.  
My backpack is usually heavy because I stuff it full of books, so that's why I slouch. Not because I have poor posture, but because there's usually a thirty or forty pound book bag slung over my shoulders, and when there isn't, my back naturally reassumes the position. Kouji's always scolding me because he says with such a heavy backpack, I'll have back problems in the future. I know it's true, but when Kouji thinks I've been particularly stupid with a heavy load, he gives me a massage. And I like that. Kouji may not want to admit it, (though he doesn't seem like the type to be, he's usually rather modest) but he's really, really good with his hands. Nothing sexual meant to be derived from that. Kouji just lightly smacks the side of my head and tells me to stop being stupid.  
My Otouto-chan. He's so beautiful. And so deadly. Like a poisonous flower. A toxic flower that never wilts, and always stands in its proud splendor. Even when he is submitting (Even temporarily) and he comes the way he does, like that one day in front of the computer, (he's such a kinky 'touto. Getting jealous of a popsicle. Completely unintentional, but good all the same) his face is still cold and proud, even when he's almost breaking with pleasure. Not to say I tease him often...I mean, we're pretty young and I AM still a virgin. Eheh. I think sex is something we should wait on. Kouji agrees completely. He's still too shy. He's not ready to take it to that full and complete level. But we'll go close, we'll go close...  
Our relationship was beautiful and deadly too. No one but us knew our secret. Not even our closest friends could know the real truth. Not even our mother, who I knew I could always trust. Our love must be our little secret. Our own little slice of sinful happiness. I'm always so happy when I think of him, I can't help but smile and laugh. He just makes me float, it seems. I've long gotten past the fact that he's my brother. Our blood binds us closer, and there is no barrier between us because of our blood. If I love my brother until the day I die, I will do so until then, and with pleasure and pride. But sometimes...I wonder about Kouji...I worry, sometimes, about him. What about his life? Is he really willing to completely give up everything he could have, everything his life is worth, just to be with me? His brother, his twin?  
I don't like to think about that anymore. It just...gets me depressed. I can't tell Kouji what I wonder sometimes, because it'll make him think I don't trust him to stay by me. I trust him with my life, but, you can never tell. If that otouto-chan of mine gets an idea in his head, it'll stick.  
I almost always saw Kouji every day. Even when he is sick, or I'm sick, we are still at each other's sides. He may even be a little too over-protective of me; a single sneeze drove him to constricting me to my room for six hours until I finally managed to assure him that I was not catching a cold, or flu, or pneumonia, or some as-of-yet undiscovered tropical disease. And the poor boy; he couldn't figure out why I was laughing so hard.  
I was happy. I thought Kouji was happy too. Nothing could keep me away from my dangerously cute Kouji-chan.  
At least, that's what I thought. That's what I hoped. But of course, it wasn't meant to be. We tried to think that nothing could keep us apart, and unfortunately, we ended up being wrong.

We're in his room, at his home. Tou-san and Satomi-san are not here, so we are alone. Save for Kouji's dog, who I swear has made it his life's calling to attack and slobber all over my face. Eeh...I'm not a dog person, dogs kind of bother me...but Kouji loves him. So, of course, that's good enough for me. Not that it makes me any more happy to have a huge furball of a monster trying to eat me.  
There I am, in Kouji's room and on his bed. He's gone off to get something to eat I expect, he promised he would be back soon. So there I am. Minding my own business, playing Final Fantasy X, when this giant demon of a dog decides to waltz in and bark a little to announce his arrival. It scares the heck out of me and I jump about foot in the air, and all he does is stand there, staring at me and drooling. He doesn't move at all, save for his tail which is suddenly going a hundred miles an hour. I can't help but wonder if he's thinking about trying to eat me. So what if dogs don't eat people? That beast is almost bigger than me! It's uncomfortable to have something that big staring at you and drooling.  
"Go on, shoo!" I mutter, trying to wave him away. He apparently misinterprets it as an invite and jumps onto Kouji's bed with me.  
"No no no no, not with me you aren't!" I stammer, scooching away from him as he tries to jump on my lap. "Koooouji! Bad Ookami, BAD OOKAMI!"  
He just jumps right on me and licks my face delightedly, his tail swishing rapidly behind him as if he's absolutely delighted beyond mortal measure to see me, and absolutely nothing in the whole world that could ever bring happiness and pleasure and joy to a dog would ever make him happier than just leaning on me and licking my face. I'm shaking my head and trying to yell for Kouji, scream for the dog to get off of me and to avoid getting dog spit in my mouth at the same time. Dear lord, dogs are simply disgusting!  
I hear someone chuckle a little and I turn my head to see Kouji standing in his door way with a bowl in his hand. Ookami begins to lick my ear and I shudder, trying to force him away from me.  
"Stupid drooling mutt," Kouji affectionately growls at his dog as he attacks me for the fourth time since I've been there, "Get off of my bed."  
His bed! He wants the dog to get off of his bed, not his brother!  
"Kooooujiiiii!" I whine when Ookami won't budge.  
He puts down the bowl and scratches the dog's ears, who whines with pleasure. Then, as he's least expecting it, Kouji pushes the giant dog off of me. He lands awkwardly on his feet, huffs, then immediately attempts to get back on the bed. Kouji snaps his fingers and points at the door sternly, where Ookami makes an aggravated whining noise and sulks off with his tail high in the air. Kouji follows after him and closes the door.  
"He's like a giant wolf, only much more insane," I mutter, wiping my saliva covered cheeks with my jacket sleeve. Gross...  
"Sorry. He's just over-affectionate to some people." He smiles weakly. "I guess he just likes you. "  
I just wave a hand dismissively. Sure; he loves me. He absolutely adores me. What a shame I don't feel the same for him. "What breed is he anyway?" I stare in disdain at my slobbery jacket and immediately take it off, throwing it away somewhere. I hate the smell of dogs. As I remove my jacket, I feel Kouji's eyes following my movements, and I catch only the slightest hint of a smile.  
"Dunno. Akita and German Shepherd I think...yeah, probably more so Shepherd. I was really little when we got him."  
"He may as well be part abominable snowman."  
"Wouldn't that be 'snowdog'?" He settles back on his bed with me and picks up his bowl. I'm still making an irritated face because I'm able to still smell that dog and couldn't think of a good comment in response to Kouji's, but then I notice what Kouji has in his bowl.  
"Strawberries?" I ask him, somewhat surprised.  
"Sure, why not?" he responds, picking one up and popping it in his mouth. "I love strawberries."  
The leafy parts have been cut off and the fruit has been sliced in half. He suckles on his finger as he finishes chewing, and picks up another slice before looking at me again.  
"You have this look on your face, 'Nii-san," he informs me, raising a brow. "Something wrong?"  
I look away, leaning back against the wall. "No. I just can't stand the smell of dogs. He smells awful."  
Kouji just smirks and pops the strawberry slice in his mouth. "Ookami-chan smells like a DOG, Nii-san. What's a dog supposed to smell like, if not like a dog?"  
"I prefer cats," I mutter with a light blush on my cheeks, picking up the controller and continuing to play my game.  
"Yeah right. Much better to have a little beast who'll claw your eyes out and licks their ass, only to hack up a wad of hair and spit on your carpet," Kouji growls. Heh, guess he doesn't like cats anymore than I like dogs. We really are twins, eh?  
The pet battle ends there as I play Kouji's game. He's sitting quietly, if not a little bored next to me, only moving every so often to put another strawberry slice in his mouth. Kouji loves video-games, but only to an extent. And as I'm sure he's already finished this game a dozen and one times, he's probably sick of it by now.  
But I've been wanting to play this game forever, as outdated as it was. I rarely got a chance to play these type of games...  
"Nii-san," he suddenly says, and I glance over at him. "Did you want a strawberry? It just occurred to me I never asked you."  
Truthfully, no, I didn't want a strawberry at that particular moment. The battle was almost over; I was just about to beat Seymour...I just needed to give him a few more good hits...Auron would kill him off for me with Dragon Fang, no sweat. But his stupid thingy-what kept healing him, and- well, to put it simply, I was distracted.  
But Kouji was looking at me oddly, like he was hoping I would say yes. So, of course, I said yes. I didn't notice as he picked up a piece and leaned closer to me. I was about to put down the controller, when he took the strawberry slice and held it front of my mouth.  
"Open," he said in a low voice. I opened my mouth automatically out of surprise, and he slowly pushed the little fruit in. I blinked at him and chewed the strawberry, and he smirked at me. Was Kouji...was Kouji feeding me? Where'd he get the nerve to do something like that?  
I sort of gawked at him as he picked up another strawberry slice and slid it gently into my mouth. This time, I closed my mouth on his fingers and suckled them with the fruit. I smiled at him and blushed as he stared at me with a look I've never seen on his face before. I blinked at him, pretending to be clueless. He liked that; he thought it was cute.

Kouji and I lie back on his bed, and I push the controller over the side. Heh, apparently I was not so distracted with the game. Kouji took his remote and lowered the volume, so that it was just our breathing breaking the silence. Nudging the bowl between us as we lay close to each other, Kouji picked up another strawberry slice and slipped the fruit in my mouth again, ever so gently. I pinched up a strawberry slice and fed it to my brother with equal tenderness. He licked my fingers as he took the fruit, a smirk never leaving his face and a blush never leaving mine.  
We continued to slowly feed each other the fruit slices, both of us taking each other fingers and kissing them or licking them as a 'thank you' each time. We moved closer to each other, our foreheads nearly touching. I could feel his hot breath on my neck and it sent shivers down my spine. I reached in the little bowl for another strawberry slice, to discover that it was the last one. Kouji looked down at the bowl with a minor scowl; maybe scolding himself for not cutting more. However, I offered the little fruit to Kouji, and he accepted it. I touched my forehead with his again, waiting for him to chew it, but he didn't take it completely in his mouth. He moved closer to me. He opened his mouth, and I slightly opened mine.  
He kissed me, sharing the bit of strawberry with me, and I blushed so red as I accepted it too. The kiss was gentle and slow; I felt so light with my brother treating me so tenderly. Kouji tasted deliciously like a warm strawberry desert, and I was so enjoying the feeling when he pulled away from me. I just lay there with a dazed look on my face, my mouth still slightly open as I breathed awkwardly. He circled my mouth with his fingers and I took them in my mouth, sucking the juice that I had missed from them. Kouji groans quietly and moves his head closer to mine again, pushing the bowl now empty of strawberries off of his bed. My heart suddenly stops as I hear Kouji's door budging open, and we both look around in terror as we hear a whimper. Wait, a whimper?  
I groan and plop my head back down on his bed as Ookami tries to sneak back in Kouji's room, whining for attention. Kouji sits up and glares at the dog.  
"Damn dog!" Kouji growls, snapping his fingers and pointing sternly at his door. "Go!"  
Ookami growls defiantly and wags his hind in the air, but Kouji snaps his fingers again, and he sulks away.  
I suddenly start laughing while Kouji swears at his dog under his breath, and I sit up with Kouji.  
"That dog," Kouji grumbles and shakes his head. "I thought for a minute..."  
"Me too," I assured him, settling my head on his shoulder and hugging him. "But all is well, right?"  
"...Yes," he agrees, kissing my cheek and stroking my dark hair as I nuzzle into his neck. "Indeed it is."  
He's about push me down and kiss me again, but as a second thought, he stands up and closes his door again, looking a bit embarrassed as he walks back to me. He's looking at me surreally, as if suddenly only just noticing me, on his bed, sitting and waiting him for him. Offering myself to him. He struggles not to break into a smile, and I try to control the urge flowing strongly through me. Kouji wasn't interested in full-out sex yet, he'd said. Whatever he wanted, I had to restrain myself. I pull him down on his bed, and lay on top of him, straddling his body. I straight my back and toss my hair out of my face as Kouji stares expectantly up at me.  
"What, is my Nii-chan being dominant?" Kouji cooed, as if talking to a child. Or his damn dog.  
I lean back down, kissing him for as an answer, before sliding a hand under his shirt and gently moving my fingers over his nipples. I'm a novice at this, and unsure of exactly how I can make him feel pleasurable. But soon his nipples begin to harden and he wiggles slightly under each touch of the pert nubs. He sighs agreeably and lifts his body just a little bit, wriggling out of his jacket as I lift his shirt up from his body. He licks his pale lips in anticipation as I nibble his neck; massaging his chest with my fingers and pinching the erect nubs. They say a man's nipples are very, very sensitive, much more sensitive than a woman's, and for Kouji, this was true ten-fold.  
He gasps and arches his back into me, clutching onto me. His breathing increases ever so slightly and I pinch harder, when he finally lets out between a half-held back moan and a grunt. I grin down at him and stop teasing his nipples while he glares at me with redness very brightly glowing in his cheeks.  
"Yep. Guess your Nii-chan is feeling a little dominant," I purr, "But it's so cute seeing my otouto-chan squirming under me-oomph!" He attacks my mouth before I can finish, and I hum with delight into his mouth, burying my hands into his long, raven hair. I try to take it out of his ponytail, but he growls a little at me, and I smartly decide to leave it be. He begins to slowly remove my shirt and he reaches up to kiss me again, but then stops and chuckles.  
I stare at him, pouting because I'm embarrassed and I don't know why he's laughing.  
"My 'Nii-chan smells like dog," he announced, kissing my cheek and grinning like the little devil he was.  
I clubbed him. "You." But he doesn't particularly respond to this, so I position my fingers over his nipples again, and that smirk is immediately gone from his face. I grin at him, and he stares at me as I pinch and squeeze those pert little nubs hard, and he moans, arching his body against mine, then collapsing back on the bed, his chest rising and falling rapidly. I grin a little more, feeling so light, squeezing the nubs again lightly just to hear him gasp. He squirms on the bed helplessly as I squeeze them harder and tweak then with my nails; he blushes bright red and pants at me, staring disbelievingly that his own brother could take his control away. I'm about to continue when he suddenly reaches up and grabs me, pulling me roughly down onto his body and attacks my mouth again with a hot kiss. I moan into him as our tongues wrestle and his hands are desperately trying to pull my shirt off. We gasp and break the kiss for just a split second, but it's long enough for Kouji to tear my shirt from me and then to attack my mouth again. I press my body onto my brother's, sighing in pleasure as our hot bodies meet and fuel each other to higher levels of desire. Now my nipples are rubbing hard against Kouji's as our bodies move against each other, and I groan as I begin to experience what drove Kouji so insane. My nipples are so sensitive, I can barely stand them being touched at all.  
I'm trying to portray an aura of confidence and assurance, but I'm still extremely shy and my face only feels warmer with each passing second. Kouji is sneaking his hands into my pants and under my boxers, massaging my ass and spreading my cheeks. My erection meets the bulge in Kouji's jeans and we groan simultaneously, and then I hear him hum in amusement. I just glare playfully at him, and he glares back at me with a wolfish grin. He gently sticks a finger into my mouth, moving it all around inside, and I chase it with my tongue. For a few moments, that's all we did; me, sitting on top of him, and Kouji, lying below me, neither of us moving save for Kouji's little finger exploring my mouth and my tongue aiding it in its movements.

We kiss again and Kouji unbuttons my jeans, pulling them off of my bottom half. He lets them slide off of the bed without a care. His hands are still underneath my boxers and touching me; stroking and massaging my body in ways that made me gasp with every movement. I take that back...Kouji is good with his hands in many ways.  
Suddenly he's touching me and he's removing my underwear, and I feel my entire body flushing in embarrassment, realizing that my entire body is completely bare for him to see. I stare down at him, suddenly unconfident and a little bit ashamed, and even seeing his warm smile doesn't help much. It falters for a moment when he sees the pained expression I've assumed. God, I can't do this...Kouji's fine with a level below sex, but was I even ready for that? I begin to crawl off of his body, and he roughly pulls me back, hugging me against his body.  
"K-Kouji..." I stutter, squirming self-consciously. "I-I've never done this before..."  
"Shh," he whispers, lightly squeezing my erection. I gasp, clutching his shoulders and moving slowly over him. "Honestly, Nii-san, do you say that as if you think I have?"  
"I-I'm afraid..."  
"Shh...don't worry." He nibbles my bottom lip and kisses me again.  
"But I-"  
"Do shut up, Nii-chan," he says affectionately, moving a lock of stray black hair from my eyes so he can stare into them.  
My throat's too constricted to respond. I've wanted this for so long; why am I suddenly just getting so cowardly all of a sudden?  
He moves his hand, slowly and firmly stroking me despite my pleas. I just moan and shudder into him, letting my body completely fall onto his and feel myself losing every train of thought. I want to stop, but my hard-on disagrees.  
"You're so hot, Onii-san," Kouji purrs beneath me, his hand moving harder and his tongue spreading over his pale lips.  
I feel hot, though not in the way that Kouji indicated. Just very, very hot, as if my body was on fire, and I'm so sure my entire body is as flushed as I feel. I feel a bead of nervous sweat falling down my face and dripping onto Kouji's shoulder. I dig my head into his neck and squirm a little as Kouji's hand moves faster. I moan and thrust my body into his hand, letting him bring me closer and closer to that incredible edge that I'd only really felt once before. Gods, my cheeks are scorching hot. I'm panting and clutching Kouji close to my body, moving myself on him, when he suddenly stops. I'm breathless as I lift my head and glare at him, silently begging him to continue. He brought me so far, only to stop? That damn sadist; he just smiles and lightly nibbles my neck, lifting himself up from the bed. I'm lifted with him; my body is dead to the world and I'm supported completely by him.  
"Shall I make you feel good, Nii-san?"  
"...Ugh..."  
First, he situates me directly on top of his erection, still straining against his jeans. I rub roughly against him without really thinking about the action, trying to convey how badly I needed to come. Besides a few groans of delight, he doesn't respond. Then he gently takes me off of his lap and lets me fall back on his bed, crawling over me. Our roles are switched, if they had ever been different. Like I've said before, I've always felt so submissive to him. Even when he let me be up top of him, I suddenly feel that he had been in control, somehow, all along. He's struggling to hold back his thrilled expression, and failing.  
I feel his tongue on one of my softened nipples and I arch into him, letting his mouth completely take it. He suckles it so hard that I almost wonder if he's trying to actually rip it from my chest and when he takes his teeth to nibble the erect nub, I've gone completely insane. He gasps as he releases my aching nipple from his mouth and I dig my fingers into his hair once more. Without caring about his little warning growls and death glares I pull away the hair tie from his hair, letting the silky raven locks fall beautifully around him as he stares up at me. My nipples twinge in excitement as his soft hair falls onto them and his breathing move the locks ever so slightly.  
He stares at me; he's so disgustingly sexy it practically makes me sick. I stare back at him, my panting slowly growing more intense. Oh, God, with his hair down he's just far too hot for words. He shakes his head, his beautiful hair falling all around him, and he rests his chin on my stomach as he slowly pulls his way down. His hair tickles me all over and I'm caught between wanting to groan in pleasure or laugh in delight. Unfortunately, I'm extremely ticklish, and I squirm a bit in discomfort, despite the fact that I'm grinning. My stomach is fluttering with every slight movement he takes, and suddenly, somehow, I want to come twice as badly now. He just grins back with his wolfish smile and shakes his head over my chest again, gently pulling his dark hair over my body until every small movement causes me to twitch. But now I'm getting impatient and annoyed with him, and he's just down there messing around! He doesn't care; in fact, he's amused and turned on by it.

"Koooouji..." I finally moan, squirming around on the bed, trying to push his head down to my groin. But he stubbornly refuses to drop his head, and he smirks deviously. Instead of lowering his head, he just shakes it a little, letting his hair flutter over my stomach and sending a shiver down my spine.  
"What, Onii-san suddenly more confidant?" he purrs with that deviant little smirk.  
"Quit messing around, 'Touto..."  
"Onii-san wants me to give him something good?" he insists huskily, breathing warmly over my angry erection.  
I inhale sharply between my teeth and manage to growl back, surprising him and myself with a voice very unlike my own.  
"If you don't take my cock in your mouth and suck it right now, you're going to wish I'd just killed you quickly in the Digital World with my sword, because what I'll do to you will be ten times more painful."  
His grin resembled the Cheshire Cat as he tilted his head towards my aching need.  
"What, you want me to suck this, Onii-san?" he asks me with all the innocence of a virgin, I suddenly blush deeper as I realize how I must've sounded to him. I'd even sworn. That was so unlike me. What was happening to me?  
"T-that's what I said..." I muttered, suddenly not feeling half as bold as before. "But if you don't-"  
"Onii-san knows best," he assured me, and before I had a chance to respond he immediately took me in his mouth. I moaned and tilted my head back feeling sudden wave after wave of utter pleasure over take my entire body as Kouji slowly moved his mouth over me. O-Oh gods...is that what Kouji felt before? No wonder it drove him insane. That deviant little rascal still continued flitting his head around so that his hair still tickled my thighs, and I squirmed in absolute delight.  
He slowly moved away from my arousal, letting it slip out of his mouth and I pleadingly whined, much to his amusement. Dear, sweet lord, I still don't know how he does these amazing things to me...  
He took his hand and grasped me hard, replacing his mouth and sucking slowly and surely. His fingers twirled lazily around my cock, massaging my throbbing length as he kneeled on my legs and dipped his head slowly. I was already so close, it was merely seconds later that my body was tensing. My hands clung roughly in his hair as I tried to push his head down harder, but he simply continued to move his sensual mouth in his slow, sadistic way and slowly twisted his fingers in his slow, sadistic way. I snap my body up and moan as I cling to him, slowly begin to move my hips into him, letting his hot mouth and his calm hands pleasure me. I gasp and clutch the bed sheets tighter, gulping in air and staring hard at my brother's head as he steadily speeds his pace. He peers up at me with his calm navy eyes, gives me a gentle squeeze, and all sanity is completely wiped out of my mind. I arch my back and thrust into his mouth repeatedly, staring in ecstasy at the look of surprise on Kouji's face as I release in him. His eyes seem to soften slightly as he continues staring intently at my face, and then he opens his mouth wide and with his tongue, plays with the love-juice I've given him. For that second I'm so spent he simply pushes me a little with a finger or two, and I just fall back onto the mattress; limp. I let out a pitiful little groan, and I hear him laugh. It's not a sardonic laugh or a sarcastic laugh or a belittling chuckle. It's a laugh. A pure laugh.

His beautiful black hair curtains our heads as we begin to passionately kiss again. He picks his body up from me; I can nearly feel his heart bursting out of his chest as he spreads my legs apart again. He's got that animalistic glaze in his eyes again.  
I'm staring blankly at him, not understanding what it is he wants. But he bites his lower lip and licked his finger before putting it between my thighs, and I understood. I knew what he wanted. It shouldn't have been a surprise; I knew we were both male, and that the only real way that two men could achieve, well, coitus, was by penetrating the only hole that men have available. Still, it was a little awkward.  
"Do you not want that?" This was much, much more than giving each other head. This was sex. Kouji had said repeatedly that he didn't want to touch that point. He'd denied wanting to have sex at all. And here he was: trying to initiate the ultimate. It couldn't get any more intimate than this.  
"I...I don't know." I kind of wanted it. But I just wanted to feel close with my brother, and that could be achieved without getting his penis inside me. I liked the mutual masturbation and I liked kissing him and giving him head. But I wasn't sure if I really wanted his fingers softly rubbing against my tight hole. They testily play around my puckered entrance, his nails only slightly scratching the skin to add a slight bit of pain.  
Even as I struggled with my inner demons, I couldn't help but marvel at him for wanting to continue; my exhaustion has overwhelmed my call for more, and I was spent. I would probably just collapse onto the bed and sleep for the rest of the afternoon, if given the chance. But I couldn't help the fact that from the anticipation and curiosity of wanting him to enter his finger, I was already hardening again. This was a step beyond the level. What would it feel like? Did Kouji really want to go...all the way?  
"Please Kouji," I whisper, closing my eyes as his obedient finger pushes into me. It's painful...  
"Kouji, Kouichi? Did you hear me? We're home!" Tou-san's voice rang throughout the house. We freeze and our tender gazes become horror filled. God no, GOD NO!  
I stare down in terror at our bare bodies that were streaked with passion. Oh God. I wouldn't DARE let Tou-san see us like this! I prepare to scramble away from Kouji in the direction of my pants when Kouji's door opens. My heart stops as I stare wide eyed at the door. Quick thinking as always, Kouji immediately throws his blanket over our naked bodies, to at least save us that shame. But I'm panicking, I'm not thinking straight. I'm feel nearly hysterical and it shows in my voice.  
"Wait! WAIT! Don't come in-"  
"So you are in here. Why haven't you answered?" And our father steps in the room. Steps into Kouji's bedroom where his two sons were laying naked with nothing but a blanket on. He stares at us with no particular emotion showing on his face; and I can't help but think that's where Kouji got it from. He stares at us. We stare at him; me like a deer caught in the head lights and Kouji with disinterest and indifference. Then, in a low and very quiet, very carefully adjusted voice that made me cling closer to Kouji, "What's going on here?"  
Kouji's finger remained inside of me. 


	4. Conjecture

Disclaimer: Take a look three chapters back, you'll see what's going on.  
Warnings: Put simply,  
Kouji's got such a dirty mouth.  
...Not like that!  
Gutter mind!  
A/N: Mhmm, enjoy more psychological problems on behalf of two twins. 

Perfect Entice  
_Conjecture_

(Kouji)  
"Kouji, Kouichi? Did you hear me? We're home!"  
Shit. Shit. Shit.  
That was basically the one, single word moving through my mind at that time, lightning fast and repetitive as a broken record. I saw the look of utter horror and shame on Kouichi's face as our father's voice sounded through the walls, and he paled so visibly I almost could've mistaken him for a ghost.  
I could hear his footsteps outside our door, and I almost thought of leaping up, sprinting to the door, and immediately locking it. I'd give some explanation later. But Kouichi was already panicking and flailing wildly below me, as if he'd lost his mind.  
DAMNIT. Why did this have to happen NOW? I felt like just beating my fists on my bed in frustration, but I could see the door beginning to open; everything seems to be in slow motion to my panicking mind. I couldn't think of anything else but us, but me and my brother, and at the same time I had to think of a way of getting us out of this.  
I couldn't think of a damn thing. Brilliantly smart Kouji, Kouji who could get out of any problem, the amazing Kouji, always able to improvise to save his own ass, doesn't have a chance in hell for getting out of this one. Useless.  
All I could do was lunge at my blanket on the floor with my free hand and throw it over our bodies before my father stepped into the room-  
"Wait! WAIT! Don't come in-"  
Kouichi was hysterical now. Was he really that ashamed of being caught? Or was it just because it was our father? We'd had some close calls before, but he always seemed most nervous around Tou-san... Or was it because of me? I snapped out of my slow motion lethargy to realize Tou-san was staring straight at us, with no particular emotion on his face. No disgust or anger or disappointment of any kind; just analyzing, just thinking.  
What a lot to think about.  
Time sped-up again. My back was facing him and I was looking over my shoulder, but Kouichi was staring straight at him. Kouichi was still mostly under me, but I had slipped off of him and he was sitting up, holding his pale and shuddering form up with his shaking arms that I had no real conviction would hold his body much longer. The blanket covered our groins and our legs, but it couldn't hide the passion on our stomachs and chests, even on our hands. Even against our pale skin it showed, obviously and humiliatingly. There was no question as to what was going on.  
I felt like I wanted to throw up, it just felt like Kouichi and I were sitting there so long, waiting for him to say something, and when he did, I nearly jumped out of my skin. "What's going on here?"  
Low and carefully calculated. As there never was, there was no insane rage of barbaric proportions considering the circumstance; just calm.  
Many people think that I'm a jerk, smart mouthed, a little foul-mouthed, and violent because of my father. It was like everyone thought he was an enraged drunken bastard who beat me when I was a kid. That, however, is wrong. He's never touched me, never yelled at me without reason, doesn't punish me unfairly, and doesn't drink. He doesn't even curse that much; I curse more than him in a day than he does in several weeks. So I have no real reason to hate him. Just that I do anyway.  
Why? Let's see. 

He lied to me for about as long as I can remember, which is why I grew up being victimized by bullies because I told them my mother was dead, I've never made any friends because he keeps jerking me all around the country, I apparently had a twin I never knew about who tried to kill me because of his own views of our father, apparently before Kaa-san 'died' they were divorced because, in his opinion, she was completely unfit to take care of me and would neglect me to care for Kouichi (Which Kaa-san strongly disagrees with, saying that she'd had given anything to have raised both me and Kouichi together. Who do I believe? The father who raised me and lied to me, or the mother who gave birth to me and ignored me? ) and Satomi.  
I don't hate her. I don't wish ill on her. But God forbid; if that woman walks into this room, I am going to freak out. I don't know why I can't stand the thought of looking at her. I mean, God, just a year or two ago, (was it really that long?) I'd even given her flowers, and called her "Kaa-san." Somehow, it just never worked out. She never caught my trust. She seemed to be scheming. I wondered, am I too paranoid? And then, I got the truth. No, I was not paranoid. I figured it out. Lately, those two have been talking. A lot, alone. Leaving me out of private conversations and suddenly treating me cautiously, like they're hiding something. If they let the wrong word slip, I'm a ticking time-bomb ready to go off. I think I know what all of this stupid secrecy and 'Hide it from Kouji' is about, too. They're going to have a baby; I'm observant enough to see Satomi's body changing. I'm not an idiot. And it's pissing me off. Not just the fact that she's having a freaking child, mind you, but because they don't trust me enough to tell me. Sometimes, thinking about that parasite inside Satomi's body and how my father continues to lie to me, I wish that it would just be stillborn. It'll just grow up miserable, anyway; it's a useless existence. And if my father doesn't make it miserable with all his bullshit, I will.  
There's a few reasons I hate him. To anyone I list them to; they're not very good reasons. But does it make them less effective? No, it doesn't. Not to me. I hate him. I don't need a reason.  
He's too cool under most circumstances, which is probably the reason he pisses me off so much. He doesn't react. I often wonder if he actually can tell if I'm his fucking son he doesn't react so much. Maybe one can tell why I'm mostly just frustrated with him that he walked in on me and my brother then afraid of him, like Kouichi.

Nii-san...  
Kouichi's head was bowed and his eyes looked dark. His shy and fragile face, devoured by shame and fear at being caught by our father of all people, just shocked me. It was so different then the looks of need and passion he'd given me only a few minutes before. I almost couldn't breathe, and I wanted to just hide myself from the world forever, and eventually just kill myself. Kouichi was afraid. Kouichi was terrified before we finally actually started having sex, but I kept pushing him to this point, and now it was ripping him apart. This was my fault. No shit, then. It's always my fault. If I'd stopped the moment he started expressing discomfort, this would not have happened at all. Kouichi looked like he was going to attempt to speak, bless him, my Nii-san, but he couldn't. He choked on the first word and the rest came out in a low mumble.  
Tou-san. Calm, cool. Nothing giving away the shock, disgust and disturbance I can clearly see in his eyes. "Kouji. What is going on here?"  
I just looked him straight in the eye, nonchalant and uncaring. I laid my head on Kouichi's shoulder, still looking back at him. "What do you think?"  
Tou-san's face changed a little, it became a little darker, and a little more anger was showing through. But just a small bit, like a tiny crack. Kouichi sat up further to put the weight off of his trembling arms before he fell back on them. I removed my head from his shoulder and watched him pulling the blanket up further, covering his chest completely. I felt sick at the look on his face, one of shame and despair that made me just despise myself for even gaining the presence of mind to even begin to think about putting us in this situation. For what? A few seconds of bliss, short lived and never truly fulfilling? Was that really worth destroying our lives over?  
"I-I... I can explain," Kouichi started again, before I just laid my hand on his to quiet him. I could see cool sweat on his forehead as he bit his lip nervously.  
"Please do."  
Silence. Nothing. Kouichi just couldn't force out another word, he was so ashamed. Just more staring. All I could do was glare cruelly at my father behind me, and for once in my life, I honestly couldn't think of a thing, intelligent, sarcastic or otherwise, to say.  
So, instead of thinking and speaking, I acted. I pulled Kouichi up into my body and he made a little noise, half surprised and half protesting, to the motion. I kissed my Nii-san without giving a damn that he was watching me; it was his fault after all. Everything was his fault; not mine. Why should I always blame myself for everything he did? So let him stand there in shock and disgust, I didn't care. All that mattered was Kouichi. I saw his eyes switching wildly from me to our father, and his breathing began to speed up a little. He attempted to push me away and said something along the lines of: "Kouji, stop," I think. I think my father said something along the lines of: "What the hell are you doing!"  
Maybe it was something else. But I didn't stop just kissing him, deeply and passionately, and as he pulled away I just pulled him closer into me.  
As I began to reach my hand under the blanket, I heard something moving behind me. I heard Kouichi say my name again as I turned around, and I felt my father physically pulling me off of my brother. I realized that he didn't look enraged or angry, but although a little shocked, he was mostly afraid. Disturbed. He was saying something, but the words were meaningless buzz in my ears. Suddenly feeling explosive with rage I reached around to punch him, kick him, and scratch him, anything! But he realized what I was going to try and do before I could do it. I managed to kick his shin before he grabbed my wrist and held my arms behind my back. He managed to get me off of my bed, off of my brother, only then I heard myself screaming profanities at him to leave me alone, to just go away, to fucking leave me and Kouichi in peace. Jeeze, maybe I lost my mind for a minute there, maybe Kouichi wasn't the hysterical one. Maybe I was more afraid then hysterical, terrified even, that he would take me away from Kouichi and I would never see him again. That was unacceptable, and I wouldn't allow it. I just couldn't let him separate us again. I didn't care about my father; I wasn't afraid of him, but what he could do to us. I didn't know what he would do to keep me and my Nii-san apart... But I just know he pulled me away from my brother, my warm and loving brother, and I had to fight him. I wasn't going to let him ruin us again!  
He was still saying something to me, I don't know what the hell he was saying. Maybe he was telling me to stop screaming and trying to calm me down, maybe he finally snapped and was going nuts about seeing Kouichi and I together, maybe he wasn't even saying anything. I really don't know. My voice sort of drowned his out in my head. But Nii-san?  
Kouichi was just sitting there on my bed, legs pulled to his chest and hiding his face as he watched us. Just seeing him out of the corner of my eye filled me with more hate, and I refused to even let the possibility of separation come up. I had to protect my Nii-san, no matter what I had to do.  
I finally wrenched my arm from his hand and felt my fist finally connect with his jaw. He let me go with a rough cry of pain and held his face, teeth clenched and still staring at me. I stared back, breathing heavily with what may have been the look of an animal on my face. My unrestrained hair had flipped over and was covering part of my face, while still sticking to my nape from the sweat, and as I look back I must've seemed wild. My father looked like he was going to grab me again-  
"P-please... don't hurt him..."  
We both looked back at Kouichi, curled and scared on my bed. I was panting and snarling like I really was a wild animal. My poor, poor Nii-san. He looked at me, begging me with his eyes, and it melted me a bit.  
"'Touto-chan..."  
I had the clarity of mind and the decency to realize I was still naked, and decidedly ignored our father to pull my jeans on again. Bizarre thing about me; I'm easily enraged and easily calmed, when it comes to Kouichi. But as I stood with my back turned to my father pulling my jeans up, I heard a faint creaking and looked up again, over my shoulder.  
I saw Satomi outside my door. She looked very pale, and her eyes reflected what she must be feeling at that moment; fear. I'm sure she had no idea what was going on, or why all of this was happening or why I had been screaming or why my father (her husband...) was holding his face in pain, but at that moment I hated her so much...I...I can't even describe how much I hated her.  
"DON'T YOU DARE COME IN HERE, YOU FUCKING BITCH!" I screamed, lunging at the empty bowl now void of strawberries on the ground and throwing it at her. I missed her, and the glass bowl shattered as it hit the wall a few inches from her head. She shied away from the room a little with a little cry of surprise, but still had her hand on the corner.  
"Kouji!" My father snapped from my side, and I immediately turned around, suddenly angry again, when Kouichi reached forward to put his hand on my shoulder. It was a gentle gesture to my father's eyes, but it was a firm grip. I stared at him, my Nii-san, and the look on his face told me it was enough. In his own way, he was begging me to stop resisting, and to just face what was reality. That I shouldn't fight against what was true.  
And so I gave in. My shoulders sunk a little and I bowed my head too, but I didn't rage. I just picked up Kouichi's clothes and handed them to him, with a look I prayed he would accept as apologetic.  
He smiled, very weakly, and accepted his clothes.

Ignorant of the exchange that took only seconds, my father continued, though I hadn't heard the first bit, "-don't know what you're thinking if you're even thinking at all-"  
"Bullshit, give me a break," I just muttered, not listening anymore and moving myself in front of Kouichi so that he could dress from behind me, but Satomi was no longer at the door.  
In mutual agreement, Kouichi and I said nothing in our defense as our father spoke to us. We said nothing and offered nothing. What could we say? I couldn't lie; I couldn't say that I did not love my brother, for I did. I did so much it just made my heart ache to think that we may have screwed up, and it tied a horrible knot in my stomach to think that because we were careless, we may never be able to see each other again. Even if we could somehow get away with it, even if we could somehow avoid the mass of trouble we were steadily running into, we'd always be looking over our shoulders, wondering if someone is watching us. My heart was pounding in a panic just thinking of living without my brother for even a week. It was the only thing tormenting even my deepest, most subconscious thoughts: What if I never saw Kouichi again?  
Well. It didn't matter what that man tried to do. I didn't give a damn what anyone did; I would rather die than be separated from my brother again.  
Satomi came back with an ice pack and cautiously walked into my room, handing it to my father. He muttered a thank you, but didn't put it on his face.  
"Get out of my room," I said coldly, standing up and glaring at her before she could say anything. For a moment she seemed unsure whether she should go or not, but left when my father asked her to bring a vacuum to suck up the glass on my floor. For some reason it disgusted me that I had no control over whether someone could be in my room or not, though I'm not sure why, considering this had nothing to do with the problem at hand. Kouichi was dressed now, but he was still holding the blanket and hugging himself, as if he still felt naked. His head was bowed and he wouldn't look up to either me or our father.  
Tou-san seemed to realize that I was tuning him out, and he forfeited with a sigh. He sat on my bed, and Kouichi twitched a little as the mattress shifted, but said nothing. He looked away again, refusing to let his face be visible.  
"Sit down, Kouji."  
I scoffed back at him, "I'll stand, thanks."  
I knew I was pushing his patience, but hell, I didn't give a damn. He could say whatever he wanted to say with me standing right there. I just crossed my arms and he stared at me with his narrow eyes, silently warning me. "I asked you to sit down."  
I didn't move, I just stood there. "I'm listening."  
"Sit DOWN Kouji!" he said a little louder then he probably originally intended; not shouting, not screaming.  
I just stood there, my arms crossed over my bare chest, waiting for him to say what he wanted to say.  
He was about to say something, then just swallowed whatever it was and sighed again in frustration. "Kouji, why are you doing this? What on earth were you doing? What were you thinking?"  
I eyed him for a moment, pondering what he meant by that. "Doing what?"  
"You know damn well doing what. I know you're not ignorant Kouji, and that you're doing this to me on purpose."  
Kouichi twitched a little, but said nothing. I couldn't blame him, but I was getting concerned about his silence. I thought I could see a shiny tear coming down his cheek.  
"You mean not sitting down?"  
Now I was just being a smart-ass. I guess he was right in a way; I was being smart to him on purpose because I knew it was annoying him.  
He didn't say anything for a moment, but put the ice pack to his jaw. I could see what could possibly be a bruise darkening the skin a little. "Or being in love with my brother?"  
I think that shocked him more then what he'd seen from the doorway and it left him temporarily speechless. Maybe he was expecting me to say something along the lines of, "Kouichi and I were just experimenting" rather then a full admission that I'd actually been having sex with my brother. Maybe he would've accepted that, and I could've gotten away with it if I'd taken that route. Hey, I'm sorry, but we were just experimenting, and it'll never happen again. Hormones, you know? What balls I had to spit in his face and say what I was saying. He'd never accept it was love. It was just sex. Maybe that's all he saw it as; just two sick and mentally disturbed brothers having sex with each other. But love? He couldn't understand that concept. He couldn't understand that twins could be in love, even if it was wrong. Because I knew it was wrong... but did that really matter so much? Not to me, it didn't. Kouichi was still silent, staring deeply into nothing. Tou-san attempted to ignore him entirely. Satomi came back in the room with the vacuum. She stood in the doorway for a moment, but didn't say anything. Perhaps she felt it wasn't entirely her place to say anything. The hum of the vacuum filled up the silence that had been accumulating in my room ever since I stopped screaming.  
He stood up. I knew he wasn't done talking to me, but he wanted to get away from us. He was probably still disturbed. I glared at his back, but then he turned around and leaned down a bit.  
"I want to see both of you downstairs in fifteen minutes," he quietly said under the roar of the vacuum. He couldn't say anything for a moment, but he wanted to. He looked at me, staring particularly at my chin. I touched it with my fingers and realized Kouichi's come was still trickling down it. My heart froze as I felt the sticky fluid on my chin; Oh, no. I could've sworn I'd gotten all of it, and all this time, it'd just been dripping there? He looked to Kouichi a little awkwardly. "And...get...cleaned up."  
I just smirked at him in my favourite smart-ass fashion, clearly displaying the come on my chin.  
"Alright."  
Kouichi still hadn't said a word.  
And I felt like crawling under a rock and staying there for a long, long time.

---------------

_(Kouichi) _  
It was over now. It had to be. Kouji and I would be separated, and we would never see each other again. Oh, why did this have to happen? How could we have been so naive to think that we could be in love and hide it from the rest of the world?  
It was too impossible. I realized that. We couldn't be in love secretly. Tou-san proved that. And now we would never see each other again. Kouji secured that.  
I felt like crying. I wanted to just shove my head under a pillow and cry and scream until it stopped, even though I knew it wouldn't stop for a long time. I wanted to run to my mother and cry on her, but even she wouldn't want to help me now. Not after what I've done with my brother. Even my mother would be disgusted with her incestuous sons, like any normal person would be. We weren't misunderstood or being shown injustice...we were just abnormal. We were sick, and we were wrong. No matter where Kouji and I went, our existence would be caged. Our parents would always be suspicious of us. We would always be looking over our shoulders, terrified of whoever was lurking. People would look down on us and hate us.  
This was it. We couldn't do this anymore. I loved him, my otouto-chan, I loved him so much. But I couldn't let us both do this anymore. It would tear us apart, inside out. This is why I couldn't speak with Tou-san there. I needed to prepare myself.  
We had to just end it before it ate us alive. Maybe, if we ended it right there, we'd still have a chance.  
"I want to see both of you downstairs in fifteen minutes," Tou-san said slowly, looking straight at Kouji, and then at me. I couldn't decipher the dark look in his eyes, the way Kouji could. But it made me afraid.  
"And...get...cleaned up."  
I bowed my head again as Kouji finally realized he'd forgotten the come on his chin. As for me, I'd tried to wipe away the semen on my chest with my jacket and was only wearing my plain shirt, but even I could still smell the powerful, musty scent of sex.  
Tou-san just left, rubbing his jaw gently. Kouji can pack a serious punch when he needs too, apparently. That wonderful Kouji-chan of mine...  
Satomi-san had apparently been waiting for him. I heard them talking quietly in the hall, and then they were gone. There was silence between us, an endless rift of silence.  
Kouji sighed and finally sat down on the bed. He rubbed the back of his head for a moment, and then brushed his dangling hair away from his face. He grumbled something, probably some petty annoyance about his hair being down, and turned his body around to search his bed. He dug in his bed sheets for the hair tie I'd ripped from his hair a few minutes and an eternity ago, and when he found it, he stared blankly at it for a moment.  
"Nii-san? Are you alright?"  
I realized I hadn't really said anything for a while. He must've been getting worried about me. I tried to smile at him, but the smile came out deformed, and sad. "Yeah." It disturbed me how pitiful my voice sounded. He pulled his hair back into its usual ponytail, and flipped it behind his back. He was immobile for a moment, then took me in his arms and hugged me tight. I hugged him back, grateful for the affection and the warmth the hug provided. I needed it so badly, and I was still ready to break into tears. I clutched him as if my life depended on that hug, hiding my face in him. Just his warmth, his touch, his very scent, was enough to calm me down. And yet without warning, tears sprung up and fought to fall beyond my eyes.  
"Otouto-chan," I choked out, struggling to convey my distressed thoughts to him.  
He hushed me and stroked my hair lovingly. "Don't worry. This is nothing; we can just say we were experimenting, right? No problem with a little white lie."  
I sighed in response, digging my head into his chest. Kouji thought he always had the answer..."What about you saying that you were in love with me?"  
He was silent for a while, still gently stroking my head, and then he responded. "I could say I was being irrational from the fear of being caught. You know, you get a little nuts when you're caught doing something you shouldn't be. I'll just say we were...experimenting, and when we were caught, we just freaked out a little."  
I smiled ruefully at his 'little' part. Little enough for him to be screaming his lungs out and give everyone in a five mile radius a headache?  
He must've read my mind somehow, for he added, "Tou-san knows I don't like him. Maybe I can convince him that the screaming was just me over-reacting."  
"You over-reacting," I repeated dully. My otouto-chan, the under-reactor.  
Kouji smirked. "Who's going to know?"  
We sat there for a while, thinking and wondering. Who's going to know, indeed?  
I felt now, more then ever, we were connected. Even our breathing began to fall in time with another. Our chests rose and fell with the steady time of calm breathing, and I relished the gentle peace that came after the storm... and preceded a second one. Nothing could keep us apart, except one of us. It made me feel sick, but I had to do this. I just had to. I knew I would hate myself for doing it, but at the same time I knew that I would live in guilt for longer than that if we stayed like this.

"Kouji?"  
"Yes, Nii-san?"  
"I...I don't think..."  
I couldn't really go on. Saying it would make it final. It was real, but if no one said it, it didn't exist. We could live in our own little world, where there was no rule about brothers being in love. Kouji tried to guess what I was thinking instead.  
"If you're worried about Tou-san and his little fifteen minute warning, it was bull. He won't be ready to talk to us for at least half an hour."  
I sighed. "That's not it."  
He raised a brow, looking concerned again. "...What's wrong, bro?"  
How could we live? Lying to ourselves that we were right and everyone else was wrong? "After this, we really shouldn't be together anymore. I mean, we're brothers. It's not right. It's not logical." I was disgusted with myself for trying to cut the bond between us, as if it didn't matter. I felt like I was betraying him. "It's... it's wrong. And it'll always be wrong."  
If I'd thought there was a rift of silence between us before, I was dead mistaken. Nothing compared to that silence after I'd finally said the truth. Kouji stopped stroking my hair and he stared into nothingness, his mouth slightly agape. His bare body, which had once been so warm and comforting to me, was suddenly awkward to hold and was a little disturbing. I sat up and inched away from the embrace. Still in need of a gentle touch, I hugged myself as a poor substitute, and began scooting off of his bed.  
"So it's wrong for me to be in love?" Kouji finally responded in a low voice.  
It caught me off guard and I was a little surprised at the response. I didn't mean Kouji couldn't love...he just shouldn't be in love with me. "That's not what I'm saying!" I hastened to explain, but he didn't give me the chance.  
He tackled me from behind and pushed me down onto his bed. I was too surprised to resist and just laid there, staring up at him as he kissed me again. He gently let his body fall on top of mine, with one arm pulling me closer to him and the other supporting my head as he kissed me, slowly, passionately. God, how can a kiss from someone you love so much be so wrong? I kissed him back, because I wanted to so much, but inside I knew I shouldn't.  
"So that's wrong too, isn't it Onii-san?" Kouji asked me in that low voice as he suddenly stopped the kiss and left me kissing air.  
"Uhn...n-yes," I stuttered, staring nervously at those enigmatic navy eyes that I was so in love with, and knew I shouldn't be.  
He moved his hand under my shirt, gently tickling his way up my chest until he was gently stroking my nipples. At first he was unsure of himself and only trying to appear indifferent, but when I didn't push him away or continue to explain how wrong this was, he grew more confident. He pulled my shirt up with one hand, still gently rubbing his pretty fingers against the pert nub. My breathing was growing faint and I felt so hot all of a sudden...and at the same time I was panicking a little. What if Tou-san returned?  
"This is wrong too, Onii-san?" he asked as he tweaked the nubs a bit, and I could see his mouth pulling up in a smile.  
"It's...it's not...yes," I gasped, squeezing my eyes shut as they filled with tears.  
He scoffed lightly, as if he suddenly realized the solution to a simple puzzle. He slowly moved the hand from under my shirt and moved it over my groin, gently massaging my erectness through my pants.  
"And that's wrong too, isn't it, Onii-san?" he purred, preparing to take my pants off again. He was licking his lips, as if remembering the taste of a treat he would soon taste again.  
"N...N..." I wanted so badly to say, 'No, it's not wrong. Please, please continue.' But how could I? He was me, with a different soul. He was my mirror image. He was my brother. He was my twin brother. We were one person split into two. I kicked my legs a little and he crawled back in surprise. I tried to convey my distress to him, tried to get him to understand, but the look on his face was intolerable.  
"I'm...sorry," I said sadly, "But it's for the best." I sat up a little, bowing my head apologetically. "Kouji, forgive me."  
He was suddenly angry at me, so angry I could just see the hate in his eyes, and the fear brewing steadily in the hate.  
"We shouldn't...we shouldn't be together anymore. We should just stop this before it's too late." But it was too late. It was too late because I knew I was in love with him, and it would kill us both to be apart. But I couldn't say it. I felt like such a coward.

Kouji corrected that for me.  
"You're a liar."  
I looked up at him. Liar?  
Kouji's face was contorted in such anger it scared me. He was shaking as he tried to repress his anger and his jaw quivered from the effort. I was suddenly afraid of him, of what he would do when scared, angered, and madly in love. "You swore...you swore you would never leave me you little fucking liar!"  
I just pulled down my shirt, fixed my pants, and stood up from his bed. I hated myself so much for what I was doing, but how could I stop it, now that it had started?  
Did Kouji really want to live in the lie that it wasn't wrong?  
"How could you_ do this to me!"_ he screeched in his rough voice that made me shake with emotion. I suddenly started crying, silently. The tears slid from my eyes before I could comprehend it and try to stop it. The guilty feeling of being in love with my brother was nothing compared to the guilt of leaving him.  
"All those stupid things you said, and then you just suddenly get up and say, 'Oh, that's right, this is wrong! Too bad, sorry!' Like what's happened to us _doesn't even matter!_" His voice was roaring in my head even after he stopped; even if he brought himself to hitting me, nothing was as bad as having him screaming in grief and anguish. At the rate he was spiraling out of control, I was almost afraid he would resort to hitting me. Violence was all he knew to release his anger.  
"WHY _KOUICHI?_ Why are you doing this, _Onii-san_?" he spit out mockingly, "Why are you doing this, huh? Or do you just secretly hate me too? Do you want me to just die and then I'd be out of your life? Would that make you _happy_? Because you don't seem to care that all I want is _you!"_  
I couldn't bring myself to look at him or answer him. If he died...God, if he died, I'd simply die too. But his words were knives striking my heart again, and again, even after he was silent and fuming for something else to say, and I couldn't tell him so. My tears were pouring down my face, and I could do nothing but stand there as he raged for something more to scream. I bit at my hand, trying to get the tears to stop, but I couldn't stop crying, and I cried hard.  
"Don't you even give a damn about me at all? Don't you even realize...do you _fucking realize_ how much I'm in love with you? And it's all your fault, your fucking fault! You're the one who started this, it's all _your fault!"_ His voice reverberated in his room like the menacing echo of an angry demon, or maybe it was simply repeating itself in my head so much, it felt like an echo. I took a shaky breath.  
"Would you rather live an empty life, pretending to be ignorant of how wrong this is? Would you rather wake up every morning, pretending nothing is abnormal?" Even to me, the argument sounded pitiful.  
"DAMNIT. I can't even trust my own brother, can I?" He jumped out of his bed after me. I tried to shy away as he roughly grabbed my shoulders and turned me around, so I could stare straight into his face. Just looking at him, so enraged at me, so ugly with anger, horrified me. _"CAN I!"_  
I couldn't do anything, I just stood there, wide eyed and crying silently. I knew he was right; I had to be the one in the wrong. What on earth had I done? But...still...I had to wonder; who was wrong?  
If Kouji could only express his sorrow in rage, then let him. I wouldn't stop him, even if he wanted to hit me, I'd let him. I would just submit and let him hurt me however he wanted to. I almost wanted him to break and hit me; to punish me for what I was doing. His grip on my arms tightened to the point of being extremely painful, then released completely.  
He suddenly hugged me roughly, making pitiful noises on my shoulder. "Oh God, Nii-san..."  
I hugged him back, but it was a pitying hug. I loved him, I really did. I did so much. I was still afraid of him. I hated having to be afraid of my own brother. But that was nothing compared to what he must be feeling. To feel like you could never even trust your own brother, oh God, why would I put him through that?  
"Please, Nii-san, please, don't leave me. Please, you can't leave me too..."

He was breaking my heart all over again, and I hugged him tighter. I knew I loved him. It didn't matter that he was my twin brother, I loved him. But how could we justify that? We could accept it, and who knows, maybe some day our parents could accept it. But everyone else would be horrified at the concept of twin brothers in love. We could never live a full and happy life. We couldn't walk down the street holding hands, or kiss each other randomly just because we were there. Everything about us would be a lie, if for the sake of humanity. That wasn't fair to either of us. Kouji didn't understand; this would ruin the rest of our lives. Kaa-san barely has the money to pay the bills and keep food in me, let alone put me through college. My best hope is to get a good scholarship... or put myself in debt, if I ever wanted to go to college. I'd never amount to anything important; the deck was just stacked against me. But not Kouji. I knew he would go far in life because of his intelligence and if only for the fact Tou-san that has the money to get him places. Kouji was going to do something with his life; he was going to become somebody. Kouji should go farther than an everyday lie because of his brother. He deserved far better than that. I had nothing to lose, and I was expendable. Kouji had everything to lose.  
Even now, Kouji could nearly read my mind.  
"It doesn't matter what other people think, you stupid jackass," he whispered hoarsely. Perhaps all the screaming he'd been doing was taking his voice. "Do you love me at all? If you did, you wouldn't say things like that. I don't give a damn what other people think." He pulled away from me for a moment, staring at me with pleading eyes. "I just want my Nii-chan," he choked out, begging me to listen.  
I just sighed. I couldn't argue with him when he was so stubborn. Or maybe he was clearer headed then me. Maybe he really didn't believe it mattered what other people thought. Maybe, for once, I was the one thinking things through too harshly. I didn't even know what to think; it was so confusing. I wanted my brother more than anything in the world, and at the same time, deep down; I knew there was still something perversely wrong about it. To have to lie everyday to feed our own twisted desires; did he really want that life?  
He hiccupped once, and I had to smile at him. My otouto-chan. He looked like an upset and frightened child to me; his eyes shining with tears and his face twitching with the need to both cease and continue crying. I adore my precious little 'touto-chan so much. And I'm his Nii-san; shouldn't I look out for his best interests?  
"Do you honestly think we can simply live happily ever after just because we want to? Twins in love?" I asked him, rubbing his back to calm him. What I meant, was, could it actually happen? Being together, and in love? The world obviously wouldn't allow it, but I needed to know. Did he think we could live together peacefully, even if the only peace existed between ourselves?  
"I'm happy right here, with my Nii-chan," was all he said.  
What else was there to say?


	5. Blood

A/N: This was confusing to people; Kouji's tone changes because in the first few paragraphs, he was trying to be cute and nonchalant and like: "I don't really care what just happened." Then he finally breaks and starts telling it like it really is.  
I enjoy this chapter for some reason. Thank you everyone again for reading it. Feel free to e-mail me or message me if you don't want to review, even if you want to ask me how the next chapter's going, or how's the weather, or what kind of shirt I'm wearing today. I like talking.  
Chu.

Perfect Entice_  
Blood_

_(Kouji) _  
For some reason, after being caught in the act of (almost) making love, being yelled at by our father and nearly separating from each other, we took a shower together. At first, it was just a way to save time. It made sense, right? Take a shower together and cut the time in half. We planned to have a nice, normal, innocent shower that involved absolutely nothing perverted what so ever. Nuh uh, abso-positiva-lutely. Naturally, about two minutes after we were naked and actually taking a shower, it ended up that we were seriously _showering_ together...if you get my drift. The strange things you can do with a bar of soap.  
Ah, that 'Nii-san of mine. Pervy 'Nii-san. Not that we went very far. I mean, yeah, sex is looking real good and all right now, but let's leave that for a time when we're NOT about to have our organs dissected.  
We weren't actually changed and dressed until about twenty minutes later. Kouichi had to try and fit himself into some of my clothes considering he couldn't get back into his, (For obvious reasons, now that I think about it) which was a lot more irritating then it sounds. First, he didn't say anything at all, so I was just sitting on the edge of my bed, naked, and starting to get dressed, while he was just sort of standing there with a towel around his waist. I eventually just looked up at him and asked him whether he intended to get dressed today, or he'd decided that he was going to remain butt-naked for the rest of the afternoon, not that I would mind and would fully take advantage of. He made a strange face and blushed, looking down at his wrinkled clothes, and my eyes slowly followed. Oh, yeah. There's dog slobber and come on his clothes. Imagine why he doesn't want to wear them.  
"They're...you know...kinda dirty, Kouji," he said, twiddling his thumbs and seeming extremely embarrassed.  
"Yes," I mused, "Yes, they are."  
"Can I, um...borrow some clothes?"  
It took all the self control I'd ever accumulated over the years not to smile. So instead I hummed for a moment, rubbing my chin. "What kind of clothes?"  
He wrapped the towel around his waist tighter and squirmed a bit. "Can I borrow some boxers and jeans?" he said in a tiny little voice. He's the cutest thing in the world when he's embarrassed. I was still just in wonder how that perverted little 'Nii-chan of mine could be so...shy around me, after all that we've done. Just self-consciousness maybe?  
So then we had to try and figure out something he could wear, which like I said, was harder then it sounded. I'm thinner then him and my legs are longer, which some people think is a little weird. Well, identical twins aren't PERFECTLY identical, and I've just got a leaner body. It's just the simple truth; I'm not bragging, I'm just more muscular and slim then him, and he still has puppy-fat. Aw, so cute. You want to pinch him.  
So, we had to go through about four pairs of jeans to find a pair that was a little big for me. They looked great on him; 'Nii-chan needs to wear tight jeans more often. He mumbled something at me when I said this to him. Sounded suspiciously like: "Hentai Brother," but how would I know? I tried to convince him to wear some shorts I found in my drawers, and unfortunately he said no. He said they would be too small for him. Note to self: Buy shorts Kouichi's size so he has no reason not to wear them.  
Kouichi found some flaw with all of my shirts. He says my shoulders must be broader then his, because none of the shirts fit right or he claimed they were too tight. The truth: Kouichi didn't like how the necks of the shirts were because they didn't hide the hickeys on his neck. So he just crawled into a dark gray sweatshirt and called himself dressed. Then, that damn brother of mine, he asked me if there was any reason _I_ shouldn't wear the shorts. He said, in almost innocent and offhand way, that I would look very "sweet" in them. I threw them in his face and told him he had to keep them over his eyes while I got dressed, and not to be expecting me to ever lend him my underwear again. I couldn't see him blushing through the shorts, but I knew he was. At the same time, an inner voice told me he was smiling.  
Very simple for me, just dark gray jeans and a black t-shirt, and of course my bandana. Yeah, great, simple and emo-punk. Does that combination exist? Wouldn't they cancel each other out?

Fuck, who am I trying to kid. I was scared to death. I could hardly walk; my legs were just shaking so badly. Even Kouichi doesn't tend to shake this much when he's nervous, and really, that kid's always got a nervous look to him. Kouichi's attempt at breaking us off almost left me emotionally barren. At first I could hardly feel anything, from the second he suggested leaving me to the moment I was suddenly threatening to hurt him. The worst part...I...I almost wanted to. I can't believe that in that brief moment, during that brief exchange, I wanted to hurt my brother like I did. Why beat around the bush; I wanted to beat him. I just wanted to hurt him and destroy him in anyway I could, and I wouldn't be happy until he was lying on the ground with his face pummeled in and blood oozing from at least a few parts of his body. It disgusted me, but at the time, I was just so confused and so angry that I couldn't think of any other ways to respond. But I suddenly broke down from the toll on me, and of course with my mind clear, I knew there was nothing I could do if Kouichi wanted to leave me. But, he reorganized his thoughts in the silence that followed my screaming. I begged him to forgive my selfishness and to please, for the love of God, stay with me. A few minutes passed, at the most, before he embraced me again and promised he'd never have such thoughts again. Once again, our bond was strong. For several minutes after that, I couldn't leave him alone. I was clinging to him, fearful that he would suddenly disappear from my grasp, until we got into the shower, with him smiling at me all the while. I never wanted to stop clinging to my Onii-san. Never.  
The worst thing that ever could've happened to me had passed. Fifteen or twenty minutes ago I was ready for anything, because I'd already faced my worst fear ever, and was ready to go down there and start sparing with my father. Twenty minutes ago, that felt like nothing after almost feeling...abandoned.  
But time is a cruel mistress, and soon, the numbness wore off. With Kouichi's love for me confirmed, my worst fear right now was having to face that man, whom I still called 'Tou-san'.  
God, I couldn't do this, there was just no fucking way I could go down there and face my father again. I really couldn't. I tried, I really did, to reassert my phony bravado, and I simply couldn't do it. I felt like I was just going to collapse; physically, emotionally, and mentally. If I had to face him, I'd just break down completely. I knew it. Even being with Kouichi couldn't help me if I couldn't pull my shit together. My fear seemed to be channeling itself into him and suddenly he kept stalling for time; asking if I had spare slippers, asking if I had a hairbrush, suddenly realizing he needed to use the bathroom, pointless crap that killed time. I almost decided to drag him out the door, and did when he suddenly decided he ought to brush his teeth.  
This meant we were going to face our father exactly thirty seven minutes and nineteen seconds after we'd last seen him. I knew, I was glancing repeatedly at my clock every five seconds. Time alone, with no one but each other, seemed precious. Who knew if we'd have it again? Thirty seven minutes and nineteen seconds. That was all we had to be together before our lives got turned upside down.  
I just sighed and decided I'd have to suck it up; Kouichi was willing to do whatever he could, but he just wasn't really equipped to white-lying and arguing with people, or to at least convince them that he was right and they were wrong. I had some experience in that area, and if worse came to worse, would just bull-shit our way out of any trouble. I could do that. Master of the Art of Verbal Persuasion, also known as 'B.S.', speaking. Before I started going downstairs, Kouichi suddenly put his hand on my shoulder, and pulled me back. He stood there for a moment, frozen, and then pulled me into his arms. He hugged me tight, and God, I love that boy, for nothing else could ever make me feel half as safe as my brother. I nearly started sobbing as I hugged him back, as tight as I could, desperate for the comfort it offered.

When we came to the bottom, we assumed we'd almost immediately see him sitting on the couch, and waiting for us. He'd be definitely irritated because of how late we were to our own execution, and in 'Give a long lecture' mode. He wasn't down there, at first. That was...weird. Really weird. I mean, sure, we expected him to be sitting on the couch or something, or at least pacing, but for him not to be there was...I dunno. It was a serious anti-climax and my heart just suddenly plunged from whatever it had worked itself up too.  
Kouichi looked questioningly at me and tilted his head a little, as though asking me where he would be. Man, like I knew? Maybe he had gotten impatient because of how long we were taking?  
"...Think we took too much time?" he hesitated to whisper. I love that twin thing. Makes me want to kiss him for some reason; it's just very sexy.  
We heard him coming back into the room. Simultaneously we quickly sat down on the dark pleather couch, me pulling my leg up over the other and Kouichi pulling his knees closely together. He was talking on his cell-phone, very quietly, and he gave us a look out of the corner of his eye. Perhaps a look of confirmation, now that we'd finally come down,  
"Alright," he tried to say as quietly as possible. "Thank you very much, Sensei. We appreciate it. " Beep, he hung up.  
...Sensei?  
Kouichi was biting his lip hard, and tapping the bottom of his heel on the ground. He couldn't look up at our father, but at least I could; to show him we didn't care about whatever he was going to do. In truth, we were terrified. As much as I hated to admit it, he had total control over us right now. If he'd already called Kaa-san, she could just as easily separate us. Tou-san had legal custody of me, Kaa-san had legal custody of Kouichi. All it took was for her to drive down and take him away, forever.  
Oh God, let us get through this. Please just let us live in peace.  
He sat down on the dark reclining chair directly across from us, and then hunched his back and rest his chin on his laced fingers. Staring, staring, staring. Silence, silence, silence. I couldn't even hear breathing; it was as though all three of us had just suddenly been put on mute. All I could hear was an obnoxious ringing in my ears. That DAMN obnoxious nothingness ringing non-stop. Silence, ringing, silent ringing, that didn't even make any sense! Gods, why was he just staring? Just say something already!  
He suddenly sighed and leaned back against his chair. Our eyes followed his every movement. My heart was on full throttle galloping mode, and as far as I was concerned, it was slowly making its way to explode up my throat.  
"When I was a kid, there was this boy, Naoto, who was in a few of my classes. He was a real nervous and shy kid; he didn't really like talking to anyone. He said really odd things whenever we spoke to him."  
...Yeah, that didn't make any sense. And that was in no way what I was expecting. I raised a brow and looked to Kouichi, who was very quiet, and very still.  
"He was very smart, always reading and always getting good grades. He just sat off from everyone else, stuttered when he talked sometimes, and gave most of us the feeling that he'd much happier if all of us just ignored him. I guess he was just very shy, and we all thought he was a bit absent-minded."  
Kouichi was staring at him intently now, and I suddenly realized why. Shy, quiet, nervous, smart, and absent-minded. Odd, that kid was just like my 'Nii-chan.  
"So ignore him we did. It just seemed to make him happy, or, as happy as he could be. He never smiled. He just looked at us with this horribly empty look in his eyes. He twitched whenever he was touched, and seemed to constantly be about to cry. He often suddenly needed to run to the restroom, and though we weren't, sure, we figured he was crying in there."  
Kouichi squirmed. I put my hand on his arm, and he twitched when I did so. I put down the leg resting on my knee and mirrored the position with the opposite leg. What point was he trying to prove? What exactly do we care about this kid?  
"A couple months went by, and one day, Naoto didn't come to school. We didn't really miss him until we realized he'd been gone for over two weeks, and eventually, about three weeks after he'd disappeared, one of the administrators called home to make an appointment to meet with his parents. They never responded, never called back, nothing. They kept trying for a few more weeks, then they eventually just went to his house, because they were very concerned over him. Three times he'd been referred to the school psychiatrist, and since he never had gotten his permission slip signed, he never had a chance to talk to him. They were worried with what might be going on with his home life."  
He was quiet for a moment. I couldn't tell if he was staring more at me, or Kouichi, but damn, if he kept staring at us like we were strange animals on display, I'd poke his eyes out. Seriously.  
"Turns out that when they got there, they found Naoto chained up in his own room. Naked. Apparently his father had been molesting him ever since he was seven, and finally just decided that sending him out into the world every day was too dangerous. It would be better just to keep him at home. As his pet, and as his slave. Every day, for five years, that poor boy was tormented by his father; sexually and emotionally. But he'd been brainwashed into thinking that it was alright for his father to do that to him, and after a while, he'd learned that he 'wanted' his father to do it. He put up a struggle when authorities arrived to take him to a hospital and to arrest his father, and he screamed that they were going to destroy him by taking away his father, whom he'd begun to call 'Master'. He was in a near state of catatonia for the trial, and for a long time, he refused to cooperate with therapy and treatment.  
"His mother was pitifully weak and couldn't do anything to stand up to her husband. And, she was pregnant at the time. When he started keeping Naoto home, she was too afraid for herself and her baby to try and convince him to let him go to school again." Kouichi muttered something, probably along the lines of, "Poor guy." Kouichi takes the world on his shoulders, even with stuff he can't control. "We learned most of this in the newspaper and in the news. But soon, everyone forgot about it, until about six years later. After those six years of intense therapy among other things, Naoto was pronounced to be mentally sound enough to pick up school again if he wished, and to function well in society. They all felt so sorry for the guy, and he really did seem to have improved, mentally. So he went home to his mother and his six year old brother, as he had no where else to go. They showed it on the News as part of their 'We got two minutes left lets-wrap-it-up' part of the broadcast. That nice happy little family suddenly reunited, and that cute little boy hugging his big brother for the first time.  
"A few weeks later, his mother called the police, crying and hysterically screaming that there was an emergency and that she needed help. When they arrived, Naoto wasn't there. The mother had been punched, kicked, and bitten repeatedly, and was in a state of shock. That was recent. Shouta, the brother, had been repeatedly raped over a period of three to four weeks, and then had been strangled to death. They suspected the strangulation was accidental. But they'd never find out; Naoto had vanished into thin air. They suspect he either somehow left he country, or committed suicide in a very secluded region and his body just simply was never found."  
I looked at Kouichi. He was very quietly staring at his hands, his brow furrowed and his leg swaying a little. He kept swallowing. It looked like he'd either taken the story to heart simply because he was such a big softie, or, he'd gotten something out of it that I had missed. I kept glancing back at Kouichi, and to Tou-san. Neither said anything, as if the story had somehow been a lecture in itself. I didn't...get it. Sure, it was terrible, but jeeze, that wasn't us. It wasn't even anyone we knew. Was he just associating the fact that because we were brothers, our relationship would turn out like that? I didn't see much of another connection. And damnit, that wasn't fair, to connect us with these sickos just because Kouichi and I were related...we were different then that.  
I couldn't stand this fucking silence. If he had to say something, then damnit, just get on with it! If he was still too disturbed with us to talk with us, then, damnit all, I'll do all the talking.  
"Well, is that all? I know, that's really terrible, but that has nothing at all to do with us and I don't see why we need to bother even focusing on it."  
He directly focused on me. Hard. Cold. I couldn't believe that he could ever give me such a purely chilling stare like that. It...scared me a little.  
"Kouji...up there, a little while ago, were you raping Kouichi?" 

-----------------

_(Kouichi) _  
There are so many things about me that I wish I could change. Like, just for one, my absent-mindedness. Sometimes, if I wanted to, I could be quick and very clever, but usually I just wanted to relax and enjoy life. Nothing required constant vigilance and I wasn't going to eat up my time being competitive or suspicious. I have nothing against working hard, because I'm fully aware that's the only way you can get anywhere in life, and when the time comes I'm prepared to work my butt off to succeed in life. Kaa-san's shown me that sometimes, that's all you can do. But she's also shown me you don't have to become a work-slave to be happy, and I love Kaa-san for that. But, some people just take it to serious extremes. Everything in school is work-work-work, surpass everyone be ahead of everyone let no one be ahead of you be best you're better then everyone else. (Which, theoretically, is impossible. No one wants to hear that, though.)  
But, back to me being absent-minded; it makes me very day dreamy. That's why I'm always walking into things and tripping over myself. I dream a lot, I invent things and play them out in my mind. It's kind of why I wouldn't mind writing books; I could stretch my imagination out a bit. But it gives me a glazed look in my eyes, and some people look down on me and think that I'm stupid, or have some sort of mental problem. Some people think that it makes me lazy. It makes me quiet and non responsive sometimes, so people think I might be a little anti-social, and they ignore me. None the less, even being absent-minded, I'm very observant.  
God, that poor Naoto guy. He didn't stand a chance in life. He was bound to be screwed up all because of his father. And I really did pity Shouta; he died for no reason, if only because his brother didn't know anything else of life.  
I guess Kouji's right. I'm really a softie. I take things to heart and dwell on them for days. I'll be lying in bed later tonight and, if I'm not crying about whatever happens to me and Kouji, I'll be crying about this story.  
But, suddenly, that story clicked in my mind. Suddenly it chilled me and I peeked cautiously at Kouji, still furrowing his brow and not seeming to understand why we were getting this story instead of a lecture. To him, it might've been a waste of time. He lost his patience and jerked forward when no one responded to the story's end. "Well, is that all? I know, that's really terrible, but that has nothing at all to do with us and I don't see why we need to bother even focusing on it."  
Ah. My Kouji-chan; so smart and so intelligent, and sometimes so oblivious.  
"Kouji...up there, a little while ago, were you raping Kouichi?"  
I shivered as a freezing cold chill slid down my spine. I knew I'd been right. Tou-san thought that Kouji was...molesting me. Now that I look back, I guess I can understand. The way he'd reacted to being interrupted, the way I'd been so submissive and silent during the whole ordeal; how frightened I must've looked. The most logical thing he could think of was that Kouji was raping me. I was ashamed and disgruntled that I'd forced Kouji into such a difficult situation...I'd even said: "Kouji, stop," to him, as if hinting that he really was using me against my wishes and desires. And then he might've heard Kouji's second screaming fit, and he may have assumed that he'd tried to push himself onto me again afterwards, and he was angry that I'd tried to reject him.  
All the time we spend together, all the unnatural bonding time we spend together, even too much for twins. Thinking back, I'm surprised he didn't suspect something sooner.  
Kouji had dared him to speculate on what we were doing. He'd said so deliberately, so challengingly, "What do you think?"  
What would he think?  
We were so careless.

Kouji was gaping at him. I don't know if he was realizing all of this in his head, or if it was just me who noticed all the connections. He was silent for approximately three seconds before he burst out with: "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? How could you compare me with that sicko? HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT I'M CAPABLE OF_ RAPE_?" He was prepared to leap to his feet, and he was staring hatefully at our father, ready to explode. I wondered if Kouji really had the energy to go all-out on him after...what had just happened. Tou-san put his hand up, hoping to silence him and to calm him down, though by now he was clearly very tense and shaking a bit. "You aren't really answering my question, if you were in my position; wouldn't that strike you as suspicious?"  
"I. Did. Not. Rape. My BROTHER," he hissed through painfully clenched teeth. His cheeks were blushing red with anger and his eyes, oh, his eyes were scaring me. "I may be any number of fucked up things, but I'm not a _rapist._" I didn't say anything. Tou-san didn't say anything. For a few moments, Kouji was silent as well, but almost immediately afterwards, that infuriated him.  
"SAY SOMETHING!" he shrieked, "STOP SITTING THERE AND SAY SOMETHING!"  
Nothing. Tou-san took off his glasses and wiped them. I vaguely wondered where Satomi-san was.  
Kouji looked at me pleadingly, begging me to stand up with him. "Tou-san, we love each other. We were expressing that love. It...you may think that's wrong-"  
"Oh, no, my two sons having sex is completely moral," Tou-san snapped back sarcastically. "What do you expect me to say? Dear lord, I come home and find my sons in bed together? What am I supposed to think? What am I supposed to DO? "  
"Why are you so fucking concerned about you? I, I, I, me, me, me: It's not _your_ goddamn fucking problem!"  
"STOP SWEARING KOUJI."  
Kouji didn't find that worth responding too, but he paused for a moment, and turned back at me. "I didn't mean to say it like that...'Nii-chan, I didn't mean to indicate there was a problem." I just shook my head and motioned for him to carry on and ignore me. Tou-san gave me a cool look, and I shrunk back into the couch.  
"There IS a problem. Good God, Kouji, why do you think you can justify sodomizing your own brother? It is WRONG. I thought I raised you better then that. You have morals; you're a bright kid. You know what incest is and you know that it is wrong. "  
"Well, thanks to a certain someone, we might as well be strangers. We didn't know each other for the first eleven years of our lives...Wait, SODOMIZING? I thought I already made it damn clear that I did not _rape_ him. I didn't even actually _fuck him!"  
_Tou-san and I both twitched at that remark. God, how embarrassing. I flushed and tried to shrink into the couch. Unfortunately, Tou-san noticed, and he probably took it the wrong way again.  
"That was completely uncalled for. I could play that game too, and it wouldn't make me any more right, it would just make me sound impatient and stupid. I don't have to swear like a drunkard to get my point across."  
Kouji's eyes narrowed and his teeth clenched until his jaw was shaking. "Fuck you."  
"Kouji, if you can't stop swearing-"  
"You'll what?" Kouji challenged back. "Come up with another obviously brilliant deduction? Come up with more reasons Kouji is a nutcase? Maybe I've been _raping_ Takuya too?"  
The possibility seemed to bother him, like he was really considering it, and I almost laughed at it, but I was too somber to manage anymore than a slight grin. Then, I became horrified with what Kouji said afterwards, "Maybe I'm just a serial _rapist_ all around. Maybe I go out every Friday night and _rape_ innocent people walking down the street. Who knows, maybe the fucking tapeworm in your whore's gut is mine too, because LORD KNOWS, if I'm such a violent _rapist_, I probably _raped_ her too."  
Oh, God, Kouji, you idiot.  
Our father had no emotion on his face. "When did you find out?"  
"Do you think I'm _stupid_? I've known for weeks, maybe even a month or two."

He finally looked down from Kouji, the first time their eyes really broke contact, and Kouji looked extremely triumphant to be the victor. "It's a girl."  
"Congratulations. Go drink champagne. Maybe the glass will break, slash your throat and you'll die. Better yet, maybe she'll swallow it and cut that thing up inside her, in addition to giving it alcohol poisoning."  
Tou-san resumed looking at him, determined not to lose the next round. "If you were in my position-"  
"The most logical thing I could do would be to pretend my son is stupid and to pretend my bitch is not pregnant. Right. Because that just makes loads of sense, and we all know how great you are at pretending."  
"Is that why you're doing this? You're upset about the baby?"  
"It can go to hell for all I care. I hope she has a miscarriage. I hope it's stillborn. Hell; I hope it's born with syphilis and HIV and with all sorts of horrible sexually transmitted diseases. Because, you know, when I go out _raping_ people, I probably don't use protection."  
"That child is your sister, Kouji."  
"And I thought we were talking about my brother, something that actually does matter."  
"You're going to have to accept that the baby is important too, Kouji."  
"Fuck your whore-spawn. You can't really think it's going to be any happier than me, do you? What, you think that because you screwed up with me, you won't screw up with this one?"  
"And you're going to have to stop swearing when she's born. I'm not going to have that language around a child."  
"I hate babies. I hate children. I can't stand them. I wish their parents would just abort them, and if not, they should just kill them. There's no use to them."  
"Then I honestly fear the day you become a father, Kouji."  
"I'd at least be able to recognize consensual sex when I saw it, even if I were too narrow minded to accept that it's happening."  
"Damnit Kouji!" He finally lost his patience. "How do you not understand? Regardless of whether or not it was consensual, it's still incestuous. That's still illegal and wrong."  
"You hypocrite, you just swore," Kouji said mockingly. Our father looked like he was about ready to smack him.  
"So you're avoiding the point because you can't come up with a valid excuse? You can't, because you know."  
"Why are you so preoccupied with morals? I LOVE him, and he loves me. Am I just not PERMITTED to love someone and to want to express that love? Or do you just have a problem with it just because we're both male; are you homophobic?"  
"This is between you and Kouichi, don't you bring my feelings about sexuality into it. I'm sure you love him, because family members are supposed to love each other, and it's not abnormal to love Kouichi in a brotherly way. That doesn't mean you can just have sex with your own BROTHER. You love your dog; would you have sex with your dog and commit bestiality too? Are you that twisted?"  
"This is between me and Kouichi; don't you bring my feelings about my dog into it."

And it went on, and on, and on. I just sat there. Not really doing anything, just moving my head back and forth as they continued. Neither asked for my opinion, and I didn't offer it. Tou-san talked as though Kouichi was not there, and Kouji talked as though Kouichi was contributing to the conversation. The way I figured, Kouji was truly Tou-san's son. I'm just there as his son biologically speaking. Kouji was right; I might as well be a stranger to Tou-san. We've never really bonded. He probably can't bring himself to yell at his son who indeed might as well be a stranger. Kouji kept looking back at me, as if hoping I'd join him and help him defend our relationship, then he'd suddenly turn back to our father and spit out another comment, and he'd forget about me for the time being. I was never offended, he really was just better at dealing with an argument then I was. He could twist words and noose loop-holes and create a paradox out of a perfectly logical statement. As far as I was concerned, if he talked enough, he could turn black into white. At least, I hoped. I really, really hoped.  
"How can you justify a relationship like that? How, huh? How can you live in a normal life living with your brother and having sexual relations with him? For one, that's STILL illegal, and another, your life would be a living hell. Seriously, tell me HOW you can justify two twins, two twin BROTHERS, in love, Kouji. Tell me that."  
Kouji paused. He was about to speak, and didn't. Started to say something, then trailed off. For a second, he sounded like he was choking.  
"You can't, can you? Because even you realize how disgustingly wrong it is."  
His shoulders slunk a little. He was clenching his teeth again, and I swear, he looked like he was getting ready to just shatter. "I'm happy right here, with my 'Nii-chan."  
God, I love that boy. I love him so much. I was about to reach out to him, but our father was on a roll. He was quietly seething at Kouji, and I slunk away from him as I would a venomous snake.  
"Yeah. You're happy with your 'Nii-chan. That's real nice and all, but you can't have a _relationship_ with your 'Nii-chan. You can't _marry _your 'Nii-chan. You can't have _sex_ with your 'Nii-chan and you can't have _children_ with your 'Nii-chan. You cannot get anywhere in life because of your sick relationship with your 'Nii-chan. You cannot be happy with your 'Nii-chan as long as you and your 'Nii-chan are together."  
"Because of incest taboo, regardless of how we love each other."  
"Because of how wrong and sickening it is, not to mention, still illegal. He's your BROTHER. He's your blood, Kouji! "  
"Is that the only thing you can say? You sound like a fucking parrot."  
"Because I'm right. And you know that, don't you?"  
Kouji was quiet. He'd come down here to try and bullshit his way out of trouble for our actions, and ended up getting whipped by the same three facts over and over again. It's illegal. It's constricting.  
It's wrong.  
It's wrong, Kouji, and it'll always be wrong.  
God, no, I swore I'd never have those thoughts about our relationship again...  
Kouji just collapsed back into the couch, hiding his face and making pitiful noises. He was breaking. He could only take so much. I pulled him close to me and hugged him as tight as I could, and he clung to me as if his life were dependant on the tightest grip he could manage. Oh, my poor brother; he's so strong, and so yet so vulnerable. He cried on my chest, clutching me and preparing to just completely break down. Tou-san was looking at us, pityingly. I wanted to think he didn't really wanted to say those things; that he was only trying to get us to see the error of our ways. He didn't really mean to say what had to be said.  
But he'd made my brother cry. My brother. My Kouji, my wonderful little brother, was crying in my arms.  
I could not take that sitting down.  
"You won't be able to stop us from doing anything, you know," I said quietly, not really looking at Tou-san as I spoke. I could feel him staring at me. It was the first time I'd spoken in our defense. "We are in love because we are twins. Our hearts and minds and our souls are conjoined, and our bond is impenetrable. We were conceived together. We were birthed together. We became together. Even if we were apart for most of our lives, there's still a primitive, ever lasting bond between us that drives us to be together. No matter what you do, we'll always be in love. We'll always need and desire each other, until death do us part. And if taken away, we will despair until we are reunited, or until we die from needing each other. Whichever comes first. For taken apart, we would die."  
Tou-san was quiet. He leaned back against his chair and sighed.  
"It's wrong," I continued, hardly above a whisper. "It's very wrong. We can't justify it. There is no answer to that question: It's wrong. That is fact. We can't justify anything we do, because we are brothers and our love is unacceptable. But love just isn't something that is restricted by boundaries and laws. We complete each other. We need each other to be whole. We are each other. There is nothing stronger and more binding then the blood of brotherhood." Kouji had stopped crying, though he occasionally shook with a sobbing gasp. He was still digging his head into my shoulder, and I was still stroking his head. I lay my own on his shoulder, closing my eyes and letting my mind drift. For the first time in my life, there was a bridge between us; a powerful mental bond. I could practically feel his consciousness coddling mine and his feelings prodding at the edge of my thoughts, embracing me and loving me.  
There wasn't. This love I had with him was nothing, nothing that I could ever have with anything else.  
"And if you can't accept that, then you might as well just kill us, or we'll end up doing it ourselves."

Tou-san didn't say anything for a moment. I opened my eyes, and saw him staring at us with emotions I couldn't read. I can't read people's faces like Kouji can, but if I had to guess, I'd say he still looked rather tense, and disturbed.  
"I called Yoshimura-san."  
Kouji's head snapped up at the name and he stared as though one of his nightmares had come true. I, on the other hand, had no idea who Yoshimura-san was; that name just did not ring a bell.  
"No, you didn't."  
"I did." He scattered off of my lap, staring hatefully at our father. "I'm your fucking son-"  
"And as my son, I love you. I'd never want to do anything to hurt you. But I think that you need this more then ever. Both of you."  
Kouji made a tight fist and his shoulders started drooping again." That bitch-"  
"That bitch is going to be your psychiatrist for the next two months, and however long it takes after that to convince you that this is intolerable behavior. Because I'm not tolerating it. We'll be seeing her in about four hours. And then your mother will be picking Kouichi up, and taking him home. You will be separated until further notice. I don't intend to let you two be alone for a long, long time."


	6. Contradiction

  
A/N: I'm so glad this is finally coming out. To those of you who've honestly been waiting the year for it to be updated, I apologize profusely. This chapter was not worth waiting so long for and I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. I strongly suggest going back and re-reading all chapters; they've been revamped.  
It will be concluded eventually, and hopefully not even in that many more chapters. I promise it will not just fade into a "Story-That-Never-Was."  
Oh; how're you diggin' the new name? 

Perfect Entice  
_Contradiction_

_(Kouichi)_  
Kouji and I held hands as we sat in the backseat. We sat right against each other with our eyes closed and our breaths coming in time as we allowed our feelings to freely mingle with each other. Our connection was so potent, at such a height that I could practically even hear his thoughts. It was beautiful, and the closeness made me want to cry. Kouji and I had never maintained that type of connection before. He'd never believed in psychic stuff and telepathy and what-not, but even he couldn't deny that there was something powerful, something of great magnitude flowing between us. To feel this after making-love would constitute the ultimate afterglow, I thought. I almost wished we'd have been able to go that far, back there, in his room. We'd have achieved the ultimate Nirvana.  
"Both of you; stop it. If I have to, I'll have Satomi switch places with one of you." I struggled to open my eyes. I felt drugged on sensation, and immediately sobered up catching the look my father was giving us through the rearview mirror. We were driving to Yoshimura-san's office. Satomi-san was in the passenger's seat. Kouji and I were in the back, preparing for the moment that would surely come soon. I felt Kouji was about to spit out a nasty protest, but I tightly squeezed his hand, and he bit his tongue. We let go. Breaking our grasp was like ripping off one of my limbs. Kouji immediately made up for it by slipping out of his shoe and playing footsies with me, and I couldn't help but smile. Oh, how I would miss these kind of moments with my brother.

Yoshimura Kaori was a very young and, apparently, very kind psychiatrist. Tou-san had been taking Kouji to see her since his early years, when he first showed signs of some degree or another of behavioral disorders. Apparently, according to Tou-san, Kouji showed signs of Autism when he was just a toddler, and when it was decided that he seemed to be developing like any old child, the problems started. He spent hours with her, every day, every week, for years, and he'd only just convinced Tou-san to stop taking him to her when his fiery personality had cooled down after our visit to the Digital World. Tou-san figured Kouji's 'problems' had stemmed around his inability to see his real mother, and when he and Kaa-san had finally reunited, he must have figured that was the reason his 'problems' had vanished. In Tou-san's words, she was a sweet, playful, and friendly doctor who bonded with her patients very well. In Kouji's, she was an evil, manipulative, hateful bitch he couldn't even stand to look at. She specialized in behavioral problems and childhood disorders, and Tou-san figured our relationship was one such problem.  
"Stop it," he called to us again as Kouji's hand found its way to my knee. He returned with his smart-ass smirk, and when he looked away, he took hold of my wrist. I raised a brow at him, and he winked at me. He slipped back into his shoe, and started tapping the back of his seat.  
"If he's taking us away anyway," he whispered under his breath, "I'm going to screw around with him."  
"You idiot," I whispered back, both affectionately and seriously. He grinned again. He waited until he caught Tou-san's eye in the rear-view mirror again, and just as he was about to tell us off for having Kouji touching my wrist, he led my hand directly to his crotch, and had me rub him sensually. At his look of disgust, Kouji made a low, indecent purring noise, and I saw even Satomi-san look away, though she couldn't even see what was happening. I looked away and blushed; Kouji was hard. He wouldn't have me rub him until he came, would he? That was just be strange. But he kept it up until his little sounds of pleasure weren't forced, but came naturally. I just limply let him use my hand; I didn't contribute to the motion, nor did I resent it. At the next red-light, Tou-san jammed on the breaks, practically throwing us forward. He reached behind him and grabbed Kouji by his shirt collar and tried to drag him through the opening and into the front seat. At first he fought like hell, but Tou-san finally just yanked him over the seats and he sat him down, right in the middle of Satomi-san and himself. It was absolutely ridiculous; but Kouji was so light and slender that took almost no effort at all to pull him through, and he fit quite comfortably between them. He didn't seem hurt in the slightest, unless you were counting his pride. Tou-san resumed driving with the three of them up front, and little old me in the back. Kouji kept looking over his shoulder, and Tou-san glared at him each time he did so. He tried to curl his body up into a little ball to avoid touching either of them, and he especially withdrew from Satomi-san's touch. It was like this the whole way it took us to drive to her office, and knowing what was coming, being separated from my brother just those few inches was enough to pain me.  
We arrived. The building was VERY large; obviously, more than a few doctors inhabited it. It was obviously a building made to cater to those with interest only in the finest and most serious studies, and those who had the money to throw around to pay for it. I'd never seen such a building before. Was this really just a building full of psychiatrists? Were there labs and stuff in here? Was this a hospital? I wondered all these things and more, but I got no answers. Kouji withdrew even further upon seeing this building, and even as we exited the car and I managed to give him a passing touch of encouragement, he was still visibly angry at being forced here. He was obviously familiar, as were the other two, and I dawdled along behind them. I was fascinated with anything to do with the medical field, so as we passed through, I gaped in amazement at everything around me. There were serious looking doctors in white coats, professional attire and civilian clothing, expensive ambience where dark wood seemed to be the theme, and it was exquisitely matched. Then there was just the overall _cleanness_ of the place; maybe this was a hospital? But weren't hospitals white and sterile and didn't they smell sort of funny? This place smelled very normal and nice, albeit clean. Did I mention it was clean? Like obsessively? Like not a single person working was disorganized in the slightest and the floors were, literally, squeaky clean?  
I had a funny thought: What if all of these people working in the psychiatric field suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder? That would just be ironic.  
Tou-san pulled Kouji into a chair. He looked around for me, but I was still trailing several feet behind them and staring at everything. I blushed and hurried to catch up to them, and he purposely sat Satomi-san down beside Kouji, (much to his dissatisfaction) and me next to him. He sat back, waiting, clearly having nothing to say. I cupped my hands, tapping the floor with my toes, uncertainly glancing around. We were near a large and elaborate double desk where two men were typing on computers. One of them glanced over at us, but said nothing. As his eyes caught Kouji, he quickly looked away. There was a sign hanging from the ceiling over them that read: "Child Psychology and Psychiatric Assistance." I felt horribly out of place. What on earth did it cost to be evaluated here? I knew how expensive some doctors could cost for just an hour-long visit, but if Tou-san was going to have us spend hours with this woman, (as Kouji assured me he would) for days or even weeks, dear God, how much money was going into just tearing us apart? Before that, how much money went into destroying Kouji?

We waited, not very long, but long enough for me to get antsy. I guess when normal people visit a doctor, they read paperbacks, flip through a magazine, converse; they do something to keep themselves occupied. The Minamoto plus one Kimura family did not, though Satomi-san looked terribly uncomfortable just sitting there, and she often held her abdomen while leaning over.  
Somewhere far off down the hall, I heard the click, click, click of a woman's high-heels coming towards us long before I saw the woman. She was young, if you consider that the rest of the doctors walking around were in their sixties. I estimated thirty-five at the most. She was dark haired and very beautiful; she was possibly an Ainu. She was one of the doctors who wore semi-professional clothing and she still looked suitable in such a habitat, but she was not overly primped to the point of being obnoxious. She certainly didn't look like a monster, but Kouji cringed as he saw her. I assumed this must be Yoshimura-san, and I was right; Tou-san and Satomi-san soon stood up to greet her. At first, Yoshimura-san didn't seem to notice Kouji or I existed. She fussed over Satomi-san and her blossoming baby-bump, and went on for a while about how she was just so jealous, she'd always wanted a baby and she was just so lucky she was going to be blessed with a beautiful bouncing baby girl and etc. Then suddenly, out of no where, Tou-san and Satomi-san left. They just randomly walked away. Neither Kouji nor Yoshimura-san looked surprised by this, and I figured this must be a usual occurrence. She smiled at me, and then directed all of her attention at Kouji. She bent over him like an affectionate aunt, and said, very kindly, "Hello, Kouji-kun."  
Kouji looked like he'd just smelled something very rotten.  
"It's good to see you again." Kouji did not reply. I wondered if she'd been told about everything involving our relationship, or if Tou-san had just given her bare details. If she did know everything and was disgusted by it, she hid it well.  
"Will you introduce me to your brother? You two look so alike- it's uncanny." Kouji looked at me, and I saw his hand twitch. I realized he was aching to hold me, and so without saying a word, I moved the two seats down next to him, and gripped his hand hard. He relaxed, leaning into my shoulder. Yoshimura-san observed, and did not comment.  
"My office is just over there," she said, pointing to one of the several elegantly carved doors, one of which sported a gold plaque with her name. "If you'll please follow me, I believe we have the next hour or two together." And she began to leave, fully expecting us to follow, not even considering we might just decide to stand up and run off. I stood up to follow her, but Kouji remained in the chair; he was deadweight.  
"Come on, 'touto." I pulled him. "I know you don't like her, but you're going to cause a big fuss by not at least moving."  
"She hasn't brain-washed you, has she?" he said miserably. "She's an evil, conniving bitch. She's going to make us feel like we're demon seed from hell for loving each other. She's going to convince us that we're freaks of nature, horribly mutated freaks of nature, and that the way we live is unnatural. How can I sit there and let her tell me it's unnatural to love my 'Nii-san?" I leaned into him, lovingly wrapping my arms around him and kissing his neck. He sobbed.  
"Come on, she can't do that."  
"You have no idea." We heard the door unlock, and open. She finally looked behind at us, as if surprised we hadn't followed. She didn't look disturbed to see me hugging my brother like I was. She didn't seem so bad.  
"What's the worst that can happen?"  
Oh, how horribly naïve of me.

She sat us down in her office. Never having been in a psychiatrist's office but having seen movies and TV shows about it, I assumed we'd be lying on a couch, but she offered us to sit in squishy, plush recliners instead. They were all cherry red and strangely matched the dark mahogany woodwork all inside her office, and they were surrounding an enormous and heavy red-wood table with several folders scattered across the top. To complete the colour scheme was a cherry and gold vase that was sporting at least a dozen perfectly sculpted roses. She took one of the recliners, and motioned towards the others. There were three; one for her, one for each of us. I sat down in one of them, and Kouji sat down on my lap, clinging to me protectively. I expected her to immediately suggest that he let me go and take his own chair, but apparently used to Kouji's method of doing things, she let him hang on me. She fussed around in a filing cabinet, and said over her shoulder, "Good gracious Kouji-kun; I pretty much have an entire drawer devoted to you."  
Kouji hugged me tighter. I hugged him close, soothingly stroking his hair.  
She eventually sat down with a single sheet of paper with a book behind it, and she leaned in to me and Kouji, holding an arm out. At first, I was confused. Then, she said, "Since Kouji-kun refuses to acknowledge me, I'm pleased to meet you, Kouichi-kun. I am Yoshimura Kaori, and please, call me Kaori-san. Kouji just calls me the Bitch from Hell, and I do hope you won't pick up that nickname."  
She was very nice. I couldn't understand why Kouji was so against her. I let go of him and freed just my one arm to shake her hand, and Kouji pulled the arm back, unwilling to let me touch her. She seemed unfazed.  
"Minamoto-san seems to think that we have a bit of an issue with you again, Kouji-kun." She leaned back in her chair, perfectly comfortable, perfectly at ease, even when Kouji finally snapped back at her,  
"What the fuck else is new?" I patted his head, both soothing and scolding. I didn't care if he talked to Tou-san like that, but could he at least be decent to other people?  
"Well, having your brother join us is certainly new. You've never previously mentioned a brother."  
"Because our fucking father kept him a secret from me, and he lied to me and told me my mother was dead."  
"Oh really?" She wrote something. "Guess it has been a while since I've seen you, huh?"  
"I hate you," he just said bitterly, to which Kaori-san replied,  
"What else is new?"  
I wasn't sure whether to be appalled or amused that a doctor would say such a thing to one of her patients.  
"And how about you, Kouichi-kun? What have you to say?"  
Too shy to say anything at all, I shook my head, trying to convey that I had nothing to say.  
"Nii-san is very forgiving. He accepts that our father is a fucking liar and he's forgiven our parents for lying all this time. Nii-san is very kind." Kouji reached up and kissed the tender part of my neck, and I hugged him closer to me. Kaori-san briefly made another note, and switched her legs around. "Nii-san will even talk to you, you miserable plotting bitch. But you won't trick him. You won't."  
"When did you two reunite?"  
"It doesn't matter," Kouji said, falling into me and nuzzling into my chest.  
"Kouichi-kun? When would you say you two met?"  
Again, I had nothing to say, and simply continued holding my brother. He was begging for comfort and reassurance, and I was too eager to provide it for him. I didn't want him getting upset again. I could easily forgive myself for being rude to a woman I didn't even know; I could not forgive myself for hurting my brother.  
"When did you first realize you had feelings for your brother, Kouichi-kun?" I thought back to the sentence that started it all: My brother is undeniably sexy. To think of my young, premature mind conjuring up such thoughts about my brother for the first time; it was strange to remember.  
"Kouji-kun?"  
"You're not going to ensnare us in your nasty little traps," Kouji spat coldly, and Kaori-san nodded.  
"If you like. Then, Kouichi-kun, how about you just tell me whatever you like?"  
I hesitated, unsure of whether I should answer, but I decided it was no good in me just being silent. "What am I supposed to say?"  
She visibly brightened at my speaking. "Anything at all! If you just want to say, 'The sky is blue,' that's fine. Recite the alphabet, count up to a thousand, or, if you're sharing thoughts with Kouji-kun, call me a sly and nastily sneaky rotting little bitch. Say whatever you want."  
Though thinking back on it, I feel very stupid for it, (though Kouji chuckled at it for months to come, and in time, I grew to laugh at it too) the next words out of my mouth to Kaori-san were, "My brother is undeniably sexy."  
Kouji snorted, digging his face into my shoulder. Kaori-san made a note. Oh, I was so stupid for saying that. Well, she had said, "anything."  
I wondered if there really was a mask over her face, and right now, she was disgusted and revolted at us. But she just smiled, like there was nothing wrong in the world.  
She DID seem very nice.

"I thought..." I paused; trying to decide how I could possibly tell my story to this woman I didn't even know. Kouji gripped my hand, begging me to be quiet, but I had to say something. I'd always wanted to scream my love of my brother; at the least, here was a chance to say it. "I discovered that I wanted Kouji when I was twelve. It was barely a year ago." A year. Not a year ago, I'd discovered that I was in love with my own brother. A year. So much can change in a year. A year ago, I'd started puberty. A year ago, I realized I loved my brother. And a few, short months ago, my brother and I kissed for the first time. "We were just in love..."  
"Why?" she asked, very innocently.  
"I...I don't know. We just were." Stupid Kouichi. Why couldn't I get out what I had to say?  
"You don't know whether or not you're in love with Kouji-kun?"  
"No, no; that's not it. I just...I don't know how to describe it."  
Kouji reached up and whispered in my ear; "Give her the 'one person is two' speech. It was beautiful."  
"Have you ever been in love before?"  
"No, never. I've never felt this way about anyone; I never could. Kouji and I are just so close. We're one person-" I was about to explain my reasoning, but she, very politely, interrupted me.  
"Please excuse me, Kouichi-kun, and I hope like nothing else that you won't be offended and that you won't hate me like Kouji-kun does. If you've never felt this way about anyone else, why are you so sure you love your brother?"  
"Told you," Kouji whispered smugly. "It's like talking to a parrot." Kouji's distaste of Kaori-san was suddenly very obvious. He hated being tripped up with his own words; it was absolutely the most unforgivable thing that anyone could ever do to him. It completely shamed him and humiliated him to be tied by his own words.  
"Because I love him," I said indefinitely. "And that is all." Kaori-san just wrote something down on her little piece of paper, and agreed with me.  
Kouji seemed to finally get up his nerve to face her. He slowly picked himself off of me and sat on the plush armrest, hunching over and leering at her venomously. I rubbed his back soothingly, and from the side of his face, I saw him grin. "Ask me a question, bitch."  
Kaori-san waved a few strands of hair out of her face, smiled and acknowledged Kouji, and returned to me. "Would you say your father overreacted to his discovery of your relationship?  
"Yes," Kouji began immediately, but I cut him off.  
"No, not really. I mean, he's a father. He's just a concerned father who's afraid for his sons. We know that what we're doing is wrong and that there may be consequences for it down the road, but we do it anyway. I'm sure he knows that, and is just trying to protect us.  
"You fool," Kouji scoffed in disbelief. "You fool."  
"So, you aren't angry at your father at all?" I shrugged, a little uncomfortable talking about Tou-san in front of this stranger when I'd barely come to terms with it myself. I was trying to figure out how to answer her when she trudged into another question. "So...you would agree that your father is only doing what he thinks is best for you, right?  
"I guess." I was just glad I didn't have to explain my feelings about him. But even then, she made me second-guess myself.  
"Your father obviously loves both of you very much-"  
"Yeah. OBVIOUSLY. Because he didn't even look at Kouichi until a few years ago, and even now, two years later, he hardly recognizes him as his son."  
"Why do you go against his wishes, then? Why do you think that just because you feel this feeling, though your father says it's wrong and it shouldn't be done, you go along with it anyway?

Kouji snarled at her. "Direct your questions at ME, bitch. Don't touch my brother. Stop going in for the weaker kill!"  
I lightly pulled Kouji's hair. I barely touched it at all, but he acted as though I'd just flat out slapped him. What else could I have done? I wasn't the weaker kill; I was one brother in a set of two, and I could take care of myself. "Because I can't stop something that I feel is so right just because one man says that it's not. I feel, deep in me, woven into me by sheer instinct that I could love no one more than I love my brother. That man can not just rip apart every fiber of my being and change me so that I think the same as him." And now Kouji looked proud, and beamed in her direction.  
"I see. So you love Kouji because he's your brother, not for the person he is?"  
Kouji's smile faltered. "Shut up; you have no idea what you're talking about." But I could feel his eyes curving down to see me; to question me. I was a little embarrassed; had I not once thought these same words?  
"What do you mean?" I asked, and she nibbled on a nail, staring at me thoughtfully.  
"You say that your love for your brother is woven into you, as if by instinct. Instinctually, we all love members of our family. Mothers and sons are especially close, fathers and daughters are especially close, and while they sometimes don't show it, siblings are extremely close. Your love for your brother IS woven into your very make-up, but are you sure you aren't dramatizing it?"  
"I love him," I said simply. "I just love him. I would love this wonderful person whether he was my brother or not."  
"Are you sure? Perhaps you love your brother because it's a thrill to know you're delving into the forbidden and unknown. Perhaps you do love your brother just because he's your brother, not because you like the person."  
"You dirty little-"  
"I love everything about him. I love every single aspect of this person right here," and I pulled Kouji off his armrest onto my lap, where he then wrapped an arm around me and glared murderously at Kaori-san. "-and nothing he could ever do could ever make me forget that love." I paused. "Not long ago...he wanted to hurt me. He was so completely enraged that all he wanted to do was hurt me to make me understand his pain. He didn't, but even if he had, I'd still be sitting here, expressing my love for him."  
"Can you tell me what you love about Kouji-kun?"  
"I...everything. There's not a thing about him I don't love."  
"Surely you can be more specific. Do you like the certain ways Kouji-kun does things?"  
"Kouji does everything perfectly."  
Kaori-san sighed, and crossed a leg over her knee. She laced her fingers and propped up her chin with them. She was suddenly staring very seriously at me. "Why is it that you can't name a single thing about your brother that you love?"  
"Because he's afraid that you'll twist his words up somehow!" Kouji snarled. "He'll say I'm beautiful, and you'll say, so you only care about physical appearances? He'll say, because of how close we are, and you'll say, so you do only like him because he's your brother? You'll screw around with him!"  
"I love that about him," I said quite honestly, and smiled up at him. "I appreciate how well he handles himself. And with all due respect, Kaori-san, you've been asking me a lot of questions. I think it's only fair that you pay an equal amount of time to Kouji." Her eyes flashed briefly, then she just smiled. "Absolutely. I'm looking forward to 'sparing' with Kouji-kun; he always makes it out to be a boxing match. Isn't that right, Kouji-kun?"  
"You bitch."

To be truthful, I wasn't thinking of all the bad that could come of this. The worst I was thinking at that particular moment was that Kouji might be a little sexist. It was a useless worry compared to the chaos that followed.

------------------------

_(Kouji)_

The hateful bitch was eyeing me down and trying to size me up; she was trying to see if I'd built up any more endurance since the last time we fought. Well, guess what whore, I have.  
Except, I was tired and out of energy after everything that had already happened. I wasn't sure how long I would be able to take before my body betrayed me. But I had to try; I had to try for Nii-san. Poor Nii-san; he did the best he could, but her questions confused him. He didn't know how to answer these things. But I knew. There was a subtle suggestion in every word that spewed forth from her lying gullet, and you had to be just as sneaky as her to catch it. Fortunately, I was just as slick and just as sly. I would catch her before she caught me.  
"So, Kouji-kun," she began, and I snarled back at her,  
"Call me Kouji-kun one more time and I'll rip your fucking hair out. Refer to me by my surname."  
"That reminds me," she just said inquisitively, tapping a finger against her cheek. "Do you two have the same name?"  
Kouichi was about to answer her, but I just growled back at her; "You know perfectly well we don't. Stop asking useless questions."  
"Maybe I didn't know, or maybe I wanted to make sure."  
"You and I both know perfectly well you're holding a sheet of paper that reads 'Kimura Kouichi and Minamoto Kouji.' You know god damn well our names are different. You have some nerve bringing that up."  
"Well, let's start with that topic, then. Are you uncomfortable that you and your brother have different surnames? Do you wish that Kouichi-kun would take on your father's name? Or do you like the sound of your mother's name better? Kimura Kouji and Kimura Kouichi?" I hunched forward again and gripped Kouichi's knees; he rubbed me soothingly on the back, but each touch felt like it was rubbing a patch of fur the wrong way. It was disturbing; I wanted to be comforted by my Nii-san.  
"There is nothing to discuss here. Move onto the next topic." The bitch shrugged.  
"How do you feel about finding out that your mother is alive? Before you discovered this, you were quite resentful that you even had a mother at all; as far as I got out of it, you wished you'd been born without a mother."  
"Untrue," I snapped. She DARED play with my memory? I knew exactly what happened and remembered in near perfect detail everything that went on during that last, fateful trip before I came before my mother again. I never once said I didn't want a mother, but she was hiding behind words like, "As far as I got out of it," and, "The way I remember it." That didn't make it fact: that made it perception. She was clever. Too clever. But I was better than her. "I wanted a mother more than anything in the world. I accepted Satomi as my "mom," my stand-in for a mother figure. If I really didn't want a mother, I never would have even bothered.  
"True, but last I heard you were seething in rage at Satomi-san and you were...calling her a whore and throwing glass at her." I caught her eyes scanning the sheet.  
"What the hell is on that paper?!"  
"Nothing important." As if to emphasize the uselessness of it, she crumpled it up, and threw it over her shoulder. She disposed of her pencil just as simply. I was glaring and snarling at her; if I'd been a wolf, she'd be seeing a massive amount of fangs right now.  
She wasn't going to get me. Fucking psychiatrist; she wasn't going to get me.

"Let's talk about the baby, then. Isn't it wonderful that you're getting a baby sister? What do you think your parents are going to name her?"  
"They can name it Sweltering Demon Fetus for all I care. I have my own name picked out for it: Little Bitch. Sound good?"  
"I like the name Nanami," Yoshimura said dreamily. "It's such a pretty name. If I ever had a daughter, I'd name her Nanami. Nami-chan for short, of course. Has Satomi-san discussed names with you or your father?"  
"They haven't even really told me that she's pregnant." I laughed as harshly as I could; it hurt my throat. "But I knew at least a month ago. My father found out I knew while he was in the middle of bullshitting me and my brother. Because apparently I go out and _rape_ people. Maybe if you're lucky I'll just _rape_ you too; I'll give you a daughter."  
This was apparently too much for Kouichi; he pulled my hair again. I was growing agitated with him; why wasn't he defending us more? Why was he forcing me to be polite to this...this monster? Every time I got on a roll, he wanted me to shut up. What was wrong with him?  
"What would you name your child if you had one? Boy or girl; either or. What's your favourite name?"  
"I'm not allowed to have children because I would be a horrible father. And I'd probably _rape_ them."  
"Well, that's new, and I'd like to know the person who had the nerve to say that to you. I never took you as a child molester, Kouji. I don't think you're capable of that." I eyed her suspiciously; that was a flat out lie. My father had brought us here because he thought I was raping and molesting my brother. She obviously knew that. She was screwing around with me.  
"You think I'm a nutcase and all you want to do is torture me because you know that no one will ever listen to someone that everyone thinks is crazy."  
"I think you're extremely intelligent and your intelligence is highly underappreciated. I also think you have problems controlling your anger. As Kouichi said not long ago; once you were angry enough, you almost wouldn't hesitate to attack your own brother, the person you claim to love more than anything else." I turned back and glared at Kouichi; he sunk into the chair. Why did he have to even mention that? It was private! Now she was going to use it as some backbone to try and make it sound like I WAS raping him!  
"I didn't touch him," I hissed. "I'd never hurt my own brother. Never. That was a fluke. A fluke. I will never, ever lose control of myself like that again."  
"What, may I ask, went on between you to where you almost lost your temper on him?"  
"Nothing." It could not be told why. She would take it and screw it up. I was about to go onto another topic, but Kouichi, for what the fuck ever reason, decided to open his big mouth.  
"I'd...suggested that we call it off." The bitch looked brightly at him.  
"Oh?"  
"Kouichi." I glared at him. It was my 'Shut-the-fuck-up' glare that I'd once used on him that one day we confessed to each other. It didn't work then, and it didn't work now.  
"I knew we would get in a lot of trouble for it, and I knew this would ruin our lives. I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to break us up because I was afraid that Kouji's life would be destroyed. He...he's worth so much more than I am. He's going to do something good with his life that I'll never be able to achieve. But because we're together, he can never achieve everything he's capable of. It scared him, and he got angry. But I realized that...I realized that even if it did hurt us, we couldn't be apart. That was just unacceptable. We had to be together. And I'll never try to leave him again. Kouji never, ever would have struck out at me if I hadn't tried to do something like that to him. It was completely my fault. Kouji was not in the wrong."  
I could've cried; I almost couldn't stand hearing my brother saying such beautiful things in front of this whore. Her ears didn't deserve to hear it. Because she would ruin it, and it wouldn't become a beautiful thing; it would become a horrible thing.

"I see," Yoshimura said thoughtfully. "So Kouji won't allow you to break up with him?"  
Kouichi shrunk back into his seat. "That's not what I said. He couldn't stop me if I wanted to, but I don't anymore. I was just confused at the time."  
"It just seems like, to me," she went on, completely ignoring him. "That you're very well adapted, Kouichi-kun. You sort of see how it is, nice and clear. And you recognize that Minamoto-san is only concerned for you. When he called me, it was not in anger or disgust or revulsion; he was worried out of his mind. He was begging me to find out what was wrong because he was worried you two would take it too far."  
"He's an evil, lying chameleon-like bastard," I interrupted, and she just bulldozed right through me.  
"Kouichi-kun, I think you were just trying to do the right thing by breaking up with your brother. You're not at fault at all; you were doing the right thing. But you still love your brother in a brotherly way, and it hurt you to see him so upset. Not only that; he started threatening to hurt you when you tried to break up with him. And because you were afraid of what he could do, you retreated. I think it's unfair that Kouji-kun is forcing you to be in a relationship you don't want to be in. I disagree that he raped you, but if he's threatening you and scaring you to remain with him, I think that's just as bad as rape."  
Kouichi was almost speechless. "That's not what I said-" But I'd had enough with words. Enough. Words were meaningless; all she did was screw them up and turn them from something beautiful into something ugly. I leapt off of my brother's knee, standing stiffly and with my fist clenched at my sides. I had a flash of clarity; what was I capable of? What could I do when confronted with this spiteful bitch who was trying to turn Kouichi on me?  
She acknowledged that I was standing, and ignored me, going right back to Kouichi. It infuriated me. "Kouichi-kun, I want you to look hard at yourself. Look really, really hard. Think hard about the way you feel about Kouji-kun, and whether your feelings for him are brotherly and you want out, or whether you really do love him. It's alright if you want to end your relationship with him. It's alright. It's not wrong. If you don't love Kouji-" I'd had it. That was it. How DARE she suggest my Nii-san didn't love me! The table. That was it. The table that was in between us. I rushed at it and as she ducked in her chair, I turned it over. It flipped in the air and the edge of it hit her legs as she held up her hands to protect herself. I heard her cry out, but only felt satisfaction, not fear. Let her be hurt! No, let her be hurt more! I was frantically looking for something else to throw at her, and as she kicked the table away and started moving to her desk, I saw the vase on the ground. As I picked it up and prepared to throw it at her, I felt Kouichi touch my shoulder. In an instant he was hugging me from behind, and he was whispering calming words in my ears. But I was enraged. _Enraged._ How dare she say that about my Nii-san! What's worse...what's worse is I was wondering if it was true.

Was Kouichi only staying with me because he was afraid of me? Was he afraid of leaving me? WAS it true? Kouichi hadn't contradicted her or even stand up for himself...and he brought it up to begin with! He knew she would twist his words around and he knew what she was capable of, and he said it anyway!  
I jerked out of his grasp, and let go of the vase. She was standing at her desk and talking on a phone; she was calling security. As she was talking, she didn't see the vase fly right at. It hit her, in the shoulder, hard. It was heavy. She went down clutching it and crying out in pain.  
"Kouji," Kouichi moaned. "What have you done?" And he ran to her! He ran to _her!_ He was protecting her! What was he doing?!  
I quickly caught up with him and forced him to look at me, clutching his shoulders as tightly as I could. He was nearly in tears. "Is it true?"  
He blinked his eyes clear. "What?"  
"Is it true? Do you hate me? Do you want to leave me and are you afraid that I'm going to hurt you? I would never hurt you, Kouichi. Never, ever, ever could I even possibly conceive the idea of hurting you." I caught him looking at Yoshimura; she was still crawling around. She was smart enough not to come at me.  
"I...I don't know." I was stunned. I'd expected him to just hug me and tell me, of course not, you idiot, I'm your brother. I'm your Nii-san. I'll never leave you. I love you too much. I was hoping he'd tell me those beautiful words. Instead all he said...all he would say was that he didn't know?!  
"You're scary when you're like this, Kouji. You're ugly with anger and rage and it does terrorize me. I...I love you. But I can't admit that I'm not afraid of you, and I can't say that I'm not afraid that one day, you will lose your temper and hurt me, too."  
I let go. I could've said a thousand things to him. I could've said anything. Instead, I just submitted. He was right. I was a monster. I was drunk on my own anger and I had no control at all. I'd prided myself for years on my self-control; the truth was that I had none. I just looked at him, trying to read him, trying to figure out if he was trying to say he didn't love me anymore. He made a move towards me; his arms were wide open. He was trying to hug me? Trying to restrain me?  
"Kouji, I love you."  
"You're lying," I said flatly. "You just said it yourself. You're afraid of me. You hate me! You're terrified of me!"  
"Now look who's turning words around." I couldn't control myself; I smacked him. He was comparing me to Yoshimura; the evil bitch I hated like no one else. I was so angry, so ANGRY I couldn't help it! Suddenly my hand was just out there, floating around, and suddenly it curved in and without warning, it was just making contact with Kouichi's face. I didn't even think about it, and I didn't even acknowledge it until I saw the red mark forming on his cheek. I was struggling to get out an apology, but my throat was totally constricted. He just stood there, never faltering.  
"In a way, I deserved that."  
I ran. Security would be there in moments; I was done for anyway. I'd be arrested for assaulting Yoshimura. I didn't want my brother to see his greatest fear proven true: that his brother was some kind of psychopath who couldn't control his violent tendencies. I ran away from my brother, who I still loved, but who contradicted everything he'd said to me no more than an hour or two ago. If my brother really was afraid of me, despite as much as he claimed to love me, I really must be a monster. For the first time in my life, I was afraid of myself.  
And I scared me.


End file.
